For those of you who have gym memberships, I’d thought we’d have some fun with the species that occupy the Gyminal Kingdom (see what I did there?). I’ve probably been a member at eight or nine different gyms, and the stereotypes are the same everywhere. I almost feel sorry for them…but I’d rather make fun of them here in the blog because I can! Internet FTW.
1) Meatheadius Narcissium - This guy makes sure every exercise is in front of a mirror or audience. In between sets he’s checking himself out, checking to make he looks really good. This dude LOVES himself. Generally you can find him doing one of these three exercises: bench presses, bicep curls, or sit ups, because all he really cares about is his chest, biceps, and abs, which are probably comically oversized at this point. You’d like to make fun of him to his face, but he’s so dis-proportioned that you don’t know where to begin… and he could probably pummel you because he also probably has a serious case of roid rage buildling up. Put the guns away, Chief.
2) Talkium-Way-TOO-Muchus - These guys usually come in pairs. They sit down on a weight bench or popular machine and then spend 15 effing minutes in between each set talking about the stupidest **** ever. When you walk over and ask if they’re done (because it looks like they are), they’ll say “oh, we still have 8 sets left.” Shut your mouth Jabroni, do your exercises, and get the hell out of there. If you’re gonna chat up a storm, do it AFTER you’re done lifting or in between exercises so you’re not holding up everybody else. Nobody cares who won Dancing with Stars the other night either.
3) Expertum Incorrectus - The know-it-all. He goes around and tells everybody what they’re doing wrong, and how he can do it better. These guys are the most dangerous if you’re not careful, because if I had to bet my life savings on it I’d guess they’re probably wrong. Look in a gym, and you’ll see at least half the people in there doing exercises improperly. I’ve had people tell me how to do squats (which screwed up my back when I took their advice), how to do dips (which would have destroyed my shoulder had I listened to them), and pretty much every other exercise out there. Everyone’s a critic, everybody thinks they know what’s best for you, and everybody is quick to pass along information, no matter how wrong it is. Stick to your guns, do your research, and ask a professional at the club if you have a question…although many trainers don’t know what they’re doing either.
4) Ogre-Personificus – This is the gym equivalent of the attention whore. Listen, I know sometimes you need to let out a grunt when you’re lifting a sh**-load of weight, but does it really need to be loud enough for everybody in the gym to hear it? You can usually find these guys lifting weights and almost yelling between each rep, followed by them loudly dropping their weights on the floor and then walking around like William Wallace. We get it Braveheart, you’re the man. As long as you’re not dropping weights on your face because of this guy, he’s almost funny enough to watch.
5) Sweatpantus Creepiatum – This is the guy in sweatpants in the back of the yoga room who doesn’t actually bother doing the stretches, the guy who sees a girl on a treadmill and starts walking right next to her even though there are 15 others open, and the guy who spends most of his time staring and ogling rather than exercising. Dude, you’re creeping everybody out. No you shouldn’t go up to her and tell her how many arm curls you can do (it’s a DEEP BURN, as Ron Burgundy would say). You shouldn’t even stalk her when she comes out of the locker room. She’s there to exercise, which is why YOU should be there, so do your thing and let her do hers. There’s a right way and a wrong way to go about it, and you’re definitely not doing it right.
Spandexa Unflatterium (honorable mention)- the girl in the spandex and sports bra who really shouldn’t be wearing stuff like that out in public. Ladies, we’re happy that you’re comfortable in your own body, but don’t make us be comfortable with it too. I guess the male equivalent would be Homer Simpson walking around in booty shorts. Wear whats comfortable, but do it within reason. I have a LOT of respect for a bigger person in the gym exercising trying to get better, but be appropriate about it!
Now, these dudes (and girl) are probably the reason many of you avoid gyms in the first place…unless you’re one of these species. If that’s the case, STOP IT. Now, I’ve learned to ignore these people by listening to my iPod, keeping my head down, and getting in and out of the gym as quickly as possible. I recommend you do the same, but feel free to laugh at these people if you need a pick-me-up. After all, if we can’t laugh at ourselves, then we should probably laugh at others. That’s a joke, by the way.
Who am I not making fun of that I should be? Who got left out?