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Wow that's so organized.   Bronski Beat always reminds me of my dad, he used to play a lot of BB and similar bands when I was a kid. 

Feed your brain some good food and better sleep, and let it predigest the problem overnight before journalling about it.   I hope you feel better soon and that the socialising distraction is a pleasant one.  

Right. I'm just feeling out some possibilities and their values, and one of the important things that has come up in my reflections is that an endless crash state is not unlikely, at least during the early years (but maybe longer, since my crashes are triggered by minor infections and emotional stress, or regularly overstepping my boundaries, which is very easily done and which characterised my life for about fifteen years while I studied and worked, even part time). And there's a real possibility that the utility of this scenario is so negative that I would rather be dead. I had suicidal ideations throughout school and my part time internship, not because anything bad happened but because I was overtired/under-recovered all the time, which doesn't sound that bad, but kind of is. It doesn't kill you but just creates permanent mild to moderate suffering (the unbearableness of this is not high at first, but increases over months and years) and causes your cognitive and emotional function to deteriorate, in my experience. In my understanding of my history, my depression lifted precisely because I wasn't working or studying, even part time. Hard to see how I'd cope better with children, which seems to push healthy people to their limits, but that's still open to discussion. Maybe there are some differences that are relevant like the time frame or the privacy and home setting of childrearing vs paid work, or increased coping skills now I'm turning into a give-no-fucks Hag. And all this is measured against the positives, which I'm also trying to feel out.     I'm finding that stabbing someone directly to their face (like a MAN!) is much more convenient, yeah.      Saaaaad.

I am sorry you are feeling blue. *hugs*  

Yay for your blood not being purple!😉 And otherwise looking like some of your health markers are improving

Still feeling kinda blue and directionless, but I'm in the office today so at least there's some sociability which is a distraction if nothing else...   Did kettlebell swings again and physio while in meetings. Lunch walk, weights after work before pilates, so a good solid exercisey day. Did a bit more sewing for the bra pattern - need to work out what wires to buy, it's all very confusing.   Yesterday: 🥗 10pts 🏃‍♀️ 5pts 🫖 5pts 🚶‍♀️5pts 🌞 5pts 🦵 5pts 🏋️‍♀️ 5pts 🛏️ 10pts Total: 615pts

It's such a gentle game!!! If you have a crush on any one fantasy race, play a party of just that race and maybe explore what a dwarven princess has to say to a dwarven union organizer in the mines? Okay, 50% of that happens in head cannon, but the other 50% is diegetic!

That's exactly what one should do. What I mean is that it's not wrong to decide that the risk is worth the benefits. And it's not wrong to decide that the risk is too high.   True. So's backstabbing. But I only do it once because I'm too impatient to coordinate.     Sad.   Noooo I don't need more games.  (Oh no it's on sale.)

This is me in a nutshell right now.  There has been a ton of promising research into Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) for bulletproofing your brain, and I have been checking it out.  The basic idea is that avoiding or fighting negative emotions often leads to destructive behaviors (eating to soothe, procrastination, alcohol/drug addiction, etc), so building a mindset that allows space for negative emotions to exist without overwhelming  while you still soldier on towards your goals is something to practice.  Might be something worth looking into.

Here’s the IOU for Jed Clampett   https://www.instagram.com/reel/C50-8UeubKq/?igsh=NTNraGdpcDVyZGZr