5 Ways to Instantly Appear More Confident

Today I’m going to teach how you to appear more confident.

Why?  Because confidence is one of the most important skills in life that you can acquire (other than learning to use the Force, obviously).

Now, I’m not teaching you this stuff just so you can become some sleazy pickup artist. I’m teaching you because I know how important even a little bit of confidence can be in everyday situations, whether it’s negotiating with your boss for a raise, buying a car, giving a presentation, or meeting your fiance’s parents.

We’re naturally attracted to and will have our opinions swayed by those who have (or appear to have) a lot of confidence.  Nerds usually get the short end of the stick in the “naturally confident” department, but that doesn’t mean we can’t acquire it like a new skill, Matrix-style!  If you’ve started losing weight, I’m sure part of you still feels like the old you, even if you’ve changed physically – it’s time to take pride in yourself and truly be comfortable in your own skin.

Here are five steps that you can take to start seeing a difference immediately.

Stop slouching

If you can develop good posture, a trait that always seems to bypass nerds, you’ll appear approximately 145% more confident within seconds (I definitely made up that stat, by the way).

I used to have awful posture through most of my life (which caused lots of lower back pain). It wasn’t until I made a conscious effort to focus on standing up straight and strengthening my lower back that the pain went away.  In order to stay on target, I actually hung a “POSTURE!” post-it on my bedroom door so I wouldn’t forget each morning.  Here’s how you can get started:

  1. Stand up as TALL as you can, like you’re a puppet and somebody just pulled the string that’s attached to the top of your noggin
  2. Pull your shoulder blades down and back as far as possible – This will feel really weird if you spend a lot of time hunched over a desk
  3. Pick your chin up and look straight ahead – stop looking down while walking around, there’s a whole world out there for you to see

If you have trouble pulling your shoulder blades back, try doing two back exercises (say, lat pull downs and dumbbell rows) for every one chest exercise in your workout.  This will build up the muscles in your upper back and allow you to actually pull those shoulder blades back together.  Want something easier?  Try standing with your heels, butt, and head against a wall, and then pull your shoulder blades back until they’re touching the wall too.  Do this daily and increase the length of the stretch each time.

If you spend all day in a chair, try this: sit down in your chair, and then stand back up WITHOUT having to rock forward.  If you have to lean forward even slightly, you’re doing it wrong. Sit straight up like you’re always ready to stand without having to lean forward.  Your lower back will probably get tired as hell sitting like this because it’s not used to the new position – work on it.  Do planks every other day (working your way up to two minutes), and you’ll have a rock-solid core and incredibly strong lower back.

This is probably the hardest step of all, as you’ve probably spent years and years developing poor posture without even thinking about it.  Spend a month making a concerted effort to have better posture however, and you’ll be well on your way to a more confident appearance.  Pretty soon you won’t even have to think about it!

Slow down

I am terrified of public speaking. Seriously, I hate being in front of even a small crowd.  However, at my old job I was put on stage in front of thousands of people to introduce bands and I sounded like I belonged up there.  You know how I did it?  By taking a deep breath, slowing down, and practicing.  I still get really nervous, but I’ve learned to manage it so well that nobody notices.

What’s the importance of slowing down?  When you get nervous, your voice tends to go up a few notes and you’ll talk faster than you realize.  These are two dead ringers for “scaredy cat.”

I’ll never forget presenting my senior business proposal back in college. About thirty seconds into my presentation – which I thought was going well – I noticed my friend Deepa in the back of the room frantically waiving her arms at me, mouthing “SLOOOWWW DOWNNNN.”  I quickly readjusted my speech, talked WAY slower than I thought I needed to, and took longer breaths between sentences.  She later told me that she couldn’t understand the beginning at all but the rest of it came out perfectly.  The rest of that class was molded by that presentation, so thanks Deepa for saving my ass!

If you get nervous in front of people no matter how big or small the group, talk slower than you think you need to, and don’t forget to breathe.  In your head it might seem way too slow, but out loud it’s just right.


People don’t smile enough these days, so we’re bringing it back.  When dealing with any situation or scenario where you’re uncomfortable, it’s easy to get caught up in your head, which means you probably have a stupidly sad look on your face.  Pretty soon, you’ll develop the reputation of “that creepy guy in the corner who smells like cheese.”  Now, if you don’t smell like cheese, you’re already halfway home!

We’ll just work on the other half: smile.

Not a fake smile, not a creepy smile, but a genuine smile.

Don’t know how to smile correctly?  Stand in front of a mirror, close your eyes, and look down.  Look up, smile, and open your eyes at the same time.  See that smile right there?  THAT’S a genuine smile.  Just like Butters.

Win the staring contest

Unless you work at home in your underwear and only interact with your cat (my day is way different than that – shut up), you probably have quite a few conversations with people on a daily basis:

  • Your coworkers at the water cooler
  • The lady behind the counter at CVS
  • Your waitress at lunch
  • Random strangers that you pass on the street.

When was the last time you looked somebody in the eye until THEY looked away first?  If you’re like me, you’ve probably always been the first to “flinch.”

I say no more!

Starting right now, you’re going to be the person that doesn’t look away.  Think of each interaction as a mini-battle – your eyes against theirs.  As long as you’re smiling and blinking, you won’t come across as creepy…unless, of course, you’re actually a creep.  If you’ve always been shy, the first few times doing this will be absolutely nerve-wracking – power through it.  Once you start to be the non-flincher consistently, you’ll quickly learn that everybody else is nervous as hell too and will quickly look away given enough time.

Get out of your head

After going through some physical changes, it’s going to take time for you to adjust how you feel on the inside versus how you look on the outside. I sometimes still feel like the 5-foot, 100-pound high-school sophomore with braces even though I haven’t looked like that for over a decade.  I have friends who used to be fat guys who still feel huge even though they have a single digit body fat percentage.

It’s time to stop living inside your head.

If you feel out of place in a situation, everybody around you probably does too. We all have our own insecurities; it’s those of us that can exist outside of our brains and project confidence that usually get what we’re chasing.  As a fellow nerd and chronic over-thinker, I know this is tough to do: stop thinking so damn much and just go for it.

  • Once you spot somebody you’re interested in, don’t give yourself more than three seconds before approaching him/her.  Anything beyond that will cause you to over-analyze the situation in your head and probably end up doing nothing.  You’ll quickly learn that “if you don’t ask, the answer is always no,” so you have nothing to lose.
  • Introduce yourself immediately to strangers at a party – get the awkward out of the way immediately, and you’ll come across as cool and collected.
  • Once you have your speech or presentation prepared, don’t give yourself hours to get nervous – concentrate on something else to occupy your mind until it’s time to present.  Don’t over-think, just follow the plan and talk slowly.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life.”

I bet those three things listed above seem scary to 95% of the population (they all scare the bajeezus out of me, which is precisely why I force myself to do them).  Part of building confidence is taking risks and having the ability (and the guts) to do stuff that scares you.

Your mission

As you follow these five steps, you’ll start to appear more confident, which will make some of your encounters more successful, which will instill more confidence in you, which will then make even MORE of your encounters successful, and so on.  Think of your confidence like a giant snowball with lots of inertia – tough to get started, but once it’s rolling the momentum will take over.

Your homework for today – while walking down the street with your head held high, shoulders back, and a big smile on your face, make direct eye contact with at least five strangers that walk by and give them a simple “hi.”  Remember, they have to be the ones to look away first, not you.

The first few times will feel really awkward, but who cares – you’ll never see them again.  As you get more “missions” under your belt, you can progress to other more challenging objectives, like striking up a conversation with a stranger, giving a speech, robbing a bank, etc.

One last thing: with great power comes great responsibility. There is a fine line between having confidence and being cocky – nobody likes the cocky guy who is full of himself, so cool it with the cheesy pick up lines, stories proclaiming your awesomeness, and creepy seduction techniques.  Fear and nervousness are easy to detect, but so is being transparently fake.

Don’t change what you are, just learn to be more confident in who you are.

So, what tips did I miss or mess up? Any other words of wisdom to pass along?  Us nerds need all the help we can get!



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  • Kuber Karol

    Gonna try it in school, thanks for all the tips!

  • Siena Placino

    What if I’m someone who is self-confident only with certain groups of people? Like..if I’m only nervous around people who seem to be different or distant? I’m only comfortable around people who I know are sincere and honest…I don’t feel comfortable around controlling, demanding, or prissy people? I’m in a situation where I have to cooperate with that sort of person. What do you suggest I do?

  • Sarah

    The best post I have read so far. Clear and effective. Thank you for the valuable tips and thank you for your tremendous help.

  • vikramhukeri@bilkish.com
  • Joshua

    I can say by experience that everything stated here is 100% true.

  • Sam Davies

    fantastic read, it’s all true. Anxiety is such a burden until you realise it’s all in your head! And the truth is, nobody actually cares about it as much as you think they do! Though I know how hard it is to shake negative thoughts as soon as they creep in, anyone have any techniques?

  • Roos

    i love it

  • Joseph

    I can’t describe the head prison I am trapped in while talking with my girlfriend’s parents, I come off as a blubbering idiot!

    I wholly stand by the practice of saying “hello” to strangers, it is almost always awkward which is perfect, it makes other awkward situations seem so small and diminutive.

  • Niamh

    Thanks for the article Steve there’s some great tips there. It was entertaining to read too you put a few jokes in there that made me laugh 🙂

  • rossm21uk .

    There is actually some really well reasoned and explained advice here. I am the first to flinch also, but I also say no more. !

  • Zarooj

    really a great helpful note, today I met my supervisor & he told me that I m a great nurd by birth. but inside I know I am not I am not suppose to feel down. I hope that I will implement this from the very next moment. InshAllah. thank you.

  • James

    Nice Post! I work front desk at a hotel and find it hard to remain confident over a long period of time. I can start the day off full of confidence, but as soon as a little shit gets thrown my way it completely dies. This post should help me sustain it for a little longer. Looking forward to trying

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  • Instig8tr

    Best post I’ve read in a while! Smart and humble, great writing!!

  • Claire

    As a 16 year old small shy girl I find it really hard to be confident and I hae a big test tomorrow, an interview for my first job. I was freaking out about it but these tips on confidence have calmed me a lot. Thank you:)

  • luwee

    LOOOOOOOVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE THIS POST. Thank you so much. I would give you a hug for this post. I have already looked straight at a person who was intimidating the hell out of me and SUPRISINGLY, she shied away. Thanks alot. Great post.

  • Rache

    I would just like to say that as a terribly shy, socially awk nerdy girl, these tips are great and I use them everyday 🙂 And for the record Steve, I think you’re just my type ;3

  • Katherine

    Just reading this made me nervous. I’m kind of ashamed of the fact that I’m 18, in college, and don’t have an ounce of confidence to show for it, whether in my talents or my appearance (I had to admit it to someone, and complete strangers on the internet seem to be the better option. The other was my roommate). So, starting tomorrow, I’m going to do this and hope that I can make it my new norm. I’m sick of having low self-esteem and forcing myself to live with it. It may sound a bit vain or entitled, but I deserve so much more than not being able to even look myself in the eye when I look in the mirror, much less a random person on the street.

  • bob

    Thanks so much! This really helped me, now I’m going to be super confident and all my friends and high school teachers will like me. My friends will start respecting me and my ideas more and my teachers will like me more for being proactive. My tennis coach will also like me more.

  • Awesome!

  • Cat

    Love it. Thanks for the great post!!! 🙂

  • Nathan

    Are you having troubles with your self image? Do you wake up every morning flooded by negative thinking? If these issues are frustrating you, don’t worry we have the ultimate solution. This E-book will teach you how to boost yourself image. Lets start building that positive self image that will last forever. http://bit.ly/StartLovingYourself

  • cassie

    this really does work. i used to be a shy and quiet girl, but now I know everyone in school, and most of them like me, and I have gotten pretty popular too. Thanks to Steve I now feel better about myself too.

  • Collon Brown

    I found the Posture Transformer to be a great tool for posture confidence. Its a wearable exercise system that will instantly transform your posture or can be worn over or under clothing to give you that extra edge. Instant results! Can also be worn while sitting at the computer, standing or walking.

  • Sophie

    I don’t consider myself as a very shy person but as soon as I’m left to talk to a friends family I become so nervous and feel awkward…for example with my boyfriend I am completely comfortable and feel comfortable however as soon as I’m around him and his parents or sister I come across as nervous and can’t think of anything to say?

  • Sophie

    Meant to put *and feel confident

  • tbh

    The example you have given of talking slowly is in front of an audience. But in real life, I talk quickly because if people get bored, they look away or take any gap in my speech to interrupt.

  • Ria

    I am totally shy, but i’m going to try the posture thing and if i get that i’m *deep breath* trying the eye contact thing.

  • Ria

    No offence, but that last part ” if your friends dont love you for who you are, not much of a friend are they really.” reminded me of Yoda from Star Wars. 🙂
    sorry, just had to say it. 😀

  • leti

    i want to tell my opinion in front of people what i have my mind it gone .. what is my problem any one can help me

  • Jono

    Thanks man
    Really helped me get through my problems

  • Alex

    This is amazing and so helpful, thank you!! I’m 16 and have always struggled with confidence. You see, I have social anxiety and I have a really hard time talking to people at school. I’m going to start doing these exercises and tips soon. Thanks again!

  • Trish

    Dude you rock…. I will totally do that today. I live in my head all the time. Also fake it til you make it… then you will be.

  • Chrrbl

    Everything seems good while reading the article. But from past experiencing, i have realized if I have well prepared the presentation and ready to be confident, I will again be confused at the time of it, in front of my teachers, bosses etc. I cannot overcome it.
    However, the post is great .

  • William

    Last time someone commented on this was about five years ago, but the advise still remains helpful. I’m just starting out with this whole “confidence” thing and i know it’ll ne hard. Not as hard as fighting a Sith Lord or going to war over middle earth (Both of which accomplished by yours truly) but you know. Still pretty hard. Thanks for the great advise, Steve,

  • Tina

    Lats will internally rotate the shoulders when to tight (cause you to hunch forward) as they attach to the front of your humerus. You would be better off substituting another horizontal rowing exercise if you want to improve your posture

  • Mijntje Holsteijn

    Great post. One thing: your closing comment “nobody likes the cocky guy who is full of himself, so cool it with the cheesy pick up lines, stories proclaiming your awesomeness, and creepy seduction techniques.” suggests it’s only written for men. However, this is relevant to many women too. Thanks!

  • Julia

    Thanks so much for this post! I’m in 9th grade and I’ve struggled with social interaction my whole life. Since I started reading these posts, my confidence has increased and I’ve started to make new friends at school. Thanks again 🙂

  • Mykalo0

    Didn’t see anything about physical contact. It can be hard to guage how far a girl will let you go so start off by just grabbin that slut and pullin her close by the butt cheeks. Look her in the eye let her feel your penis get hard against her. If she pulls away don’t let her slap her. If she pulls away again let her and apologize she’s probably pissed.

  • Kennith McCormick

    While i think much of this advice is solid, i think a lot of it is taken too far. I spent years forcing myself to look peole in the eye and smile, and it led to job offers of positions in customer service based on my “frequent eye contact and easy smile.” The problem was, i hate customer service, and for each job interview had applied for a position specifically because it did not involve customer service. I can maintain a smile and eye contact fle a job interview, but no way will i maintain it for a job full time, as it drains me and detracts from my focus.

    I recently made a choice tl be confident but also be myself, and not make eye contact. I have found that my lack of eye contact intimidates others rather than sending them the message that i lack confidence. If you are spending 50% of your time during a conversation focusing on “looking confident”, ie, smiling fakely, making unnecessary eye contact, u are not 100% focused on listening to the other person.

    I am consistently annoyed and turned off by people who make a point of making meaningless eye contact or smiling for no reason. They are so busy maintaining a certain image that they aren’t listening to me. And many others feel this way. Dont fake confidence. Learn to love yourself and confidence will come naturally as a result.

    My advice is, Be the happiest version of yourself you can be. Love yourself. Don’t try to be the most “confident” version of yourself some website tells you to be. If u are most comfortable not making eye contact or maintaining a neutral or serious expression, this is probably fine. Eye contact and smiling are nice, but certainly not the primary way to exude confidence — innate confidence is. People who imitate the advice in this article without nuance come off as creepy, artificial, and insincere. However taking this article advice with a grain of salt can be beneficial.

  • Maha

    OMG Steve, I read this post and I think it is posted for me. I lack all those above mentioned stuffs thanks for the post well. Definitely starting the practice from today. Cheers !

  • Sary 61

    thanks so much. I always find myself looking away when I make eye contact with them. Especially guys… I never knew that made me look nervous as well as feel nervous. I will do these things when school starts back up. 8th grade and it’s time for a change. Thanks a billion, will memorize and do these things every day, I promise. To myself, you and everyone else who isn’t confident. 😀

  • Tristian

    Thank you for this.I will definitely try it when I go back to school.Always had with confidence,especially when I was overweight but now I lost all that weight and I am trying to get rid of the flabby skin.It is going slow but pretty good.I hope I can find the balls to do these things without chickening out.

  • Ares

    This is hard because I am depressed all the time

  • William

    I don’t know how I got to this page but I am quite confident person and it covers many of the things that I do. I believe that if a person were to follow this guide they will portray a confident person.

  • Arsalan Lodhi

    hey great post !

  • ghadab

    Thank you! I needed this!

  • Queenofspades

    I have a tip for confidence seekers!
    Look through photos of yourself. There will be one that you really like. Find yourself in a difficult situation? Imagine that photo of yourself and project! Because that is what others will see as well!
    Good luck!