The WORST Fitness Advice You’ll Ever Receive

Dear confused fitness enthusiast,

I know there’s a LOT of conflicting information out there on fitness, and you want to know how to get healthy.

Luckily, that’s why I’m here: to make sure you do everything properly and achieve MAXIMUM EXTREME RESULTS.  I’ve been around the block a time or two, and have bought every fitness product and program imaginable. So…I’m kind of an expert at this stuff.

Here’s the double secret formula to losing weight and getting healthy.

Gear

sketchers-shape-up

First and foremost, you need to have the right gear. If you don’t have the best stuff, then you’re never going to get results. What’s that you say? You don’t have butt-toning shoes? Don’t listen to those fools that say you can workout in anything, if your shoes don’t cost as much as an iPad mini, then you’re wasting your time.

Next, you should probably get some thigh shaping spandex, preferably leopard print - they’ll help target the fat on your legs for maximum burn, minimizing the amount of work you need to do!

Don’t worry, we won’t be breaking a sweat, so you don’t have to worry about looking really good all of the time.

Sweating is for suckers.

Equipment

Dunstan follows along. Nolan is dubious.

Great, you’re now looking the part. It’s time to start working out.  Right? WRONG!

You need to get the right equipment or you’d be better off just sitting down and giving up.  I’m going to list the equipment by most important:

Some sort of ab machine - I don’t care if you pick the Ab Coaster, Ab Roller, Ab Chair, Hawaii Chair, or Ab Rocket – pretty much anything with “ab” in its title.  Simply crank out a few reps while eating donuts and that stubborn belly fat just melts away!

Too much work for you? That’s fine!  Get yourself an Flex belt – it’s like an electric chair for your stomach. Nothing could go wrong there.  Or these weight loss wraps.  That’s right, through magic, you just wrap yourself up and lose weight!

Okay that should take care of that stubborn belly fat…

Then, you should buy at least three Shake Weights - If you’re a lady, then you probably want toned arms. Shaking a weight (in pink!)  for ten minutes a day should be enough to produce results to make that wench Bethany down the street jealous. Take that Bethany!  

Next, get an expensive nautilus-type machine with 562 moving parts - This is fantastic: it practically does all of the work for you! The more money you spend, the better! You simply sit down and swing your arms and legs – BAM! You’ll look like Arnold.

Under NO circumstances should you pick up a free weight.  They’re heavy, and REALLY difficult to pick up sometimes.  Not cool.

Last but not least, get yourself this revolutionary treadmill that simulates walking…up a hill.  GOOD LUCK finding a place to do THAT in reality.  What do you think this is, Imaginationland?

Now, you’ll need to take out a second mortgage to buy all of this equipment, but that’s okay – I know a GREAT refinance guy.

Workout

jazzersize

Okay so now that you have all of this equipment, it’s time to sign up for the most expensive gym membership you can find - preferably one with lots of machines.  If it has free weights, try to avoid it – you might have to deal with people lifting things up and putting them down. No thank you!

Next, I want you to sign up for EVERY class they have in that gym – jazzersize, boxersize, supersize, Sweatin’ to the oldies, Dub-steppin’ to the newies,  and so on. The more classes you can sign up for, the better. Don’t worry, you’ll only be attending each class once…and never going back.

If you’re a lady, avoid the free weights like the plague. Everybody knows that lifting weights will turn you into a bulky monster.  If you MUST pick up a dumbbell, grab the little pink ones, and do as many reps as possible. I’m talking 50-60 reps per exercise.  If you can’t do that many, get a lighter weight.

DO NOT PICK UP A WEIGHT HEAVIER THAN 3 POUNDS, EVER!

Unfortunately, this also includes things like groceries, the laundry, a backpack, your children, a laptop, etc.

On second thought, just stay away from the free weights all together – that’s no place for a lady.

And last but not least – you should be changing your workout every four hours. This way your muscles are always confused and have no clue WTF is going on. If you stick with a workout routine for longer than four hours, seek immediate medical attention.

Speaking of which, the more confusing, convoluted  and complicated you can make your workout, the better.  Like, I’m talking “need a degree in rocket science to understand” complicated.

For example, I’m currently doing a 28-day workout split.

Tomorrow is “left glute” day.

Diet

donuts

I left this for last because it’s by far the least important thing on your list.  

For starters, don’t bother changing what you eat or how much (hopefully your gym is supplying you with pizza and bagels).  We’re just gonna pump you full of pills and shakes instead! March on down to your nearest GNC and tear through that place like a Toys R’ Us kid on a 5-minute shopping spree.

I love to just hold my arm up and run forward, knocking everything on the shelves into the cart.  Diet pills? Fantastic. Fat burner shakes? DOUBLE UP.  Muscle building powder?  You bet your ass! Dragon blood? Unicorn tails?

Get. It. All.

The more expensive the supplement, the more effective it’ll be. 

After that, we’re off to the grocery store!  Quickly bypass the fruits and vegetables, and skip anything not labeled as ‘low-fat!’  Definitely head straight to the frozen food section – check out all of those low fat “healthy meals.”  BOOO FAT! Disregard the 50 unpronounceable ingredients in your healthy “17 cheese lasagna.” It says it’s healthy on the box.

Now, as you make your away around the grocery store, grab yourself some low-fat ice cream, low-fat bagels, low-fat bread, low-fat OREOS, low-fat fried dough, and everything else that is low fat.  Trust me on this one, it’s low fat, so it’s healthy.

If you don’t want to go shopping, no problem! Drive on over to Taco Bell, and grab yourself a taco salad.  Of course it’s healthy, it’s a salad isn’t it?.  This also works for other healthy items like macaroni salad, potato salad, pasta salad, and ‘deep fried ball of lard’ salad.

And last but not least, wash it all down with a 32 oz. Gatorade.  That’s hundreds of calories important nutrients and 56 grams of sugar awesome!

What would you add?

yellow_dumbbell

With these 47 easy steps, you should be well on your path to getting healthy!

What’s that you say?

You still have money left over?

BUT WAIT! There’s more!

I actually have a super secret SPECIAL product that will guarantee results.

You won’t have to change your diet, you won’t have to work out, and it only takes 5 minutes, three times a year!  For just eighteen payments of $19.99, and one payment in wampum, I’ll sell you my patented system for effortless weightloss!

But only if you call right now – supplies are limited! Operators are standing by (to take your money).

Your concerned friend,

Steve

What sort of other GREAT (wink wink) advice would you give to our fitness enthusiast here?

Leave a comment that makes us laugh the most, and I’ll send you a free NF shirt (grey or superhero) – submit your comment before 11:59pm on Sunday, Feb. 3rd!

###

photo sources: glutessketchers shoes, shake weight, jazzersize, donuts, yellow dumbbell

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  • The 15 mistakes you don’t want to make.
  • The most effective diet and why it works.
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  • Sara Rylander

    Everyone knows all we REALLY need is an adipose invasion to cure the obesity problem.  If we can just keep that pesky Doctor from ruining it all ….

  • Cherise

    Maybe they should have had them doing pull-ups instead of other exercises to strengthen those muscles? I am beginning to understand why I never get anywhere with fitness.

  • Josh Tobin

    These comments are great, but I just think I developed a man crush on Steve for referencing Mitch Hedberg.  

  • s4in7

    Hey! Do you want abs but don’t have time to workout? Well we have just the thing for you! the ABZAPPER. Just take jumper cables and attach them to your lower intestine and attach the other end to the car battery and REV THAT BABY UP. You will be getting 1000′s of volts just shocked into your body convulsing every muscle you have and you dont’ have to do a thing!

  • http://twitter.com/tramrine TR Amrine

    Go home NF editor, you’re drunk.

  • michaelgibb

    You don’t even need to go to a gym. You can stay home and buy a Bowflex 2000, a Muscleflex 10,000 and a Nautilus 100 million to make your own home gym. Cut down on the commute and get to your own personal gym in just a few steps, where you can exercise by taking off your dirty clothes and exerting all the energy it takes to place them on the equipment. If you want to shake things up, toss the clothes onto the machine instead of placing them there and you’ll really feel the extra burn. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1825862970 Gail Dummitt

    SHHH….Don`t tell anyone,but the food that you eat in secret,it does`nt count.YUP…those Hershey bars in your underwear drawer,the cookies under the bed..indulge and enjoy because if someone does`nt see you eat them..the calories are null and void.
    This also applies to the drive thru goodies that you snag on the way home.As long as you get rid of the evidence…you guessed it! No calories.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jenny.maclean Jenny MacLean

    Do some nice, bouncy stretches to ‘warm up’ your muscles before you do any work

  • Darren

    Haha! I never thought I would have the honor of seeing anything about my tiny hometown on one of my favorite websites. That planet fitness is just a skip on down the road. Wait. Never mind. If one should skip down there, one might arrive all sweaty and that would certainly be frowned upon.

  • Corrautore

    I’ve been exercising for years, and this is the first article that I think will actually work! But, you missed a lot of key points.

    Let’s start with the diet so we can get the least important part of fitness out of the way. You have to stick to T.V. dinners. It takes so little time to cook that you will have so much more time to look good, which will make you feel good, which will make you lose weight. Also, the extra sodium will absorb all that nasty water weight so you can be thinner than ever! BOO WATER WEIGHT!
    Speaking of water, avoid it like the plague. There are fish that poop in there. No one wants to drink smelly fish poop water.

    As far as the exercising goes, here are a few more tips to help you out. Don’t do any exercises that involve pushing, pulling, or standing. You don’t want to hurt yourself. Simply do sitting exercises, preferably while on the computer or watching T.V., eating low fat OREO cookies, deep fried, of course. Deep fried food fries away all the nasty things in even the most unhealthiest of foods, which is proven by how amazing it tastes.
    And if you have to watch a fitness program, because you stumbled upon it on accident, make sure the person demonstrating the moves is the most attractive person imaginable. You won’t actually be doing the exercises they do, but looking at them exercise will help you get into the right mindset on what to wear to look just like them!

    Now, on to fashion. Don’t forget that shoulder pads are boss, and that big hair is great! This goes for both men and women, because wider shoulders and a seemingly taller appearance will make you weigh less overall. And don’t forget the platform shoes. They’re coming back in style!

    I really hope I was able to add to this amazing article

  • Amf0902

    But wait! If you act now within the next 20 minutes we will double your order..

  • http://www.facebook.com/chrisevans17 Christopher Evans

    Mitch Hedberg refernce FTW!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/chrisevans17 Christopher Evans

    Want the perfect body? Want to look like a super soldier? Tired of actually working out? Then have I got a deal for you!!! Presenting Dr. Abraham Erskine’ Super Soldier Serum and Full Body Transformation System. No situps, No pushups, No pullups, No ups of any kind. Simply inject yourself with Dr. Erskine’s revolutionary formula, step in a tanning bed, and emerge with the body you have always dreamed of. You will run faster, jump higher, destroy punching bags, throw disc-shaped objects with ease, gain an incredible knowledge of physics so you can throw said disc-shaped objects at just the right place so it will ricochet off each intended target and return to your hand, and gain such endurance you can survive being frozen in ice for half a century. How can it be you say? It is is best not to ask questions. Just call now and for $140 million, you too can can be a SUPER SOLDIER!

    NOTE: Seek a REAL dr’s opinion first. Seriously. We only tried this once and it burned up the equipment then Dr. Erskine was killed by a Nazi spy and he was the only one who knew the formula. We think we figured it out though. The dog we tested it on is great at Frisbee, and we figure the last guy could throw a Frisbee like nobody’s business so that has to mean something, right? 

  • http://www.facebook.com/Malarrz Marco Larrazabal

    How to become faster?
    Eat FAST FOOD!!!

  • Kgoles

    Don’t forget to load up on HEART HEALTHY Whole Grains!! Don’t know where to find them? Just look for the little check on your favorite General Mills cereal! Sure, Trix and Cinnamon Toast Crunch are a GREAT way to start your day. Just pour yourself a big ol’ bowl and top it with a cup of milk- the ONLY way to get calcium. Cereal not sweet enough? Sprinkle on a little ZERO CALORIE sugar substitute. 
    Remember, studies show that people who eat more whole grain tend to weigh less than people who eat less whole grain, and 3 servings of milk a day is shown to help you lose weight. It should be a no-brainer, but sugar substitutes are WAY healthier then sugar and in no way harmful to your body, because it’s not real sugar!!

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  • jessiekay77

    And don’t forget to do a detox diet! Don’t eat bananas, melons, grapes, red apples, dried fruit. Only green apples and berries. We’ll sell you protein and fiber and supplements. All of this for only $350! Weight Loss is priceless, right?! 

  • M I L A N

    Shut up and take my money!

  • Kgoles

    I totally forgot. Fruit is the WORST thing you could eat on a diet. You’re better off sticking to these factory made protein and fiber bars. They’re full of nutrients you can’t find in nature, like vitamin C.

  • Kgoles

    I know the feeling Kay. I may or may not have a shake weight at home in my closet…

  • Zanthia

    FIRST OF ALL, before you begin a new fitness routine, look at the calendar. Is it January 1st? If not, that’s ok, we can work with it. Is it the first of any month? Is it the day after your birthday? Is it a Monday?

    If you didn’t answer yes to one of these questions, you don’t want to start today. You need a significant start date that will look great on page 1 of your new fitness diary.

    Find the next appropriate date on the calendar. Circle it. THAT is the day you’ll begin! In the meantime, you better live it up, because your freedom will be gone on the day you start Your Diet. Quick! Eat up all the junk food you can find before it becomes off-limits! Don’t do any exercise because it won’t count if it’s before Day One. You don’t want to waste your energy!

  • AlexanderHeyne

    I still think the funniest is this:

    “Use this revolutionary, state-of-the-art, ab belt that will stimulate you all day long, even while at work! Work your abs while drinking tea, while having sex, while doing data entry, while sitting on the airplane, while feeding your dog, and even in the shower!”  Imagine how beastly that 6 pack will look in a few months!

  • Afheyne

    Lol, the absolute best to me is this:

    “Order our revolutionary, state of the art, ab belt that will give you ripped shredded abs in as little as three weeks.

    With our patented ultra deathstar thruster system, you’ll be stimulated all day! Your abs will be stimulated during sex, while at work doing data entry, while picking strawberries, in the shower, and even while eating dinner!”

  • Andrew

    I don’t get it? You tell us to get butt toning shoes but link us to an article that says they don’t work. I think this place is a scam!

  • http://www.sqlstudies.com/ Kenneth Fisher

    I actually found a nautilus-type machine with 563! moving parts.  I have in fact lost 56 lbs in the last 2 months.  I have found that by taking the machine apart and putting it back together again 2ce a day it is perhaps one of the best workouts I’ve ever found! 

  • Traci Steelman

    Thank you Steve! I needed this today :D

  • Timwerner37

    To burn extra belly fat make sure you grunt as loud as possible while counting each rep out loud. The grunt must come free deep in your belly to ensure maximum fat burn.

  • kelizpe

    NEVeR stay on the same program for more than a week.You’re scared or you’re bored LISTEN TO THOSE EMOTIONS. They are there for a reason. If you are distracted by something shiny, go for it! It is obviously more shiny, and therefore are moving on to better things.

  • RustyStaples

    LOSE 20 POUNDS INSTANTLY WITH OUR PATENT-PENDING LEG AMPUTATION KIT!

  • Tori Wilferd

    If it’s on someone else’s plate, it’s not your calories, it’s theirs.  So eat as much as you like.

  • Justin

    ^ This guy wins.

  • Amy

    You guys don’t know what you’re talking about… Haven’t you heard about zumba?! You just gyrate and thrust your hips in various directions all to the beat of a Latin music megamix for 45 mins once a week. It’s like soooo much fun, and I swear you’ll lose even more weight if you get the crop top and cycling short combo that the jazzercise lady is wearing in the picture!

    (Steve if you know where I can get one of those crop tops can you let me know, it’ll look super cute with my pink 1lb dumbells! Thanks sweetie!)

  • Shadowchsr79

     I’ve never successfully managed to do a pull up. ever. and I have no way to do them at home even if I could.

  • D_chelyst

    This is so ridiculous….love it!

  • Hightower7504

    Try the new fish, mayo, pickles, olive, onion cleanse ! Remember IF PEOPLE CAN STAND THE SMELL OF YOUR BREATH YOUR DOING IT WRONG!!!

  • Bonez899

    Thank you Vladamir. I was planning to go travelling and wanted to look better when coming back. For your low price I will accept the offer and go to this apparent wonderful fitness resort
    I was wondering how much a return ticket cost though and what kind of workouts I will be participating in?

  • http://collegeinfogeek.com/ Thomas Frank

    MINISTER FOR TRAVEL AND LEISURE WILL RESPOND TO YOUR QUESTION WHEN MINISTER FOR TRAVEL AND LEISURE IS APPOINTED

  • Alina Selnick

    “Ultimate Weight Loss Solution Pill.”
    “Must be combined with exercise and proper diet.”
     Wait a minute, so couldn’t I just have exercised and eaten right…without the weight loss pill? Yes, you could have. You would have also saved a lot of time and money. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001736142232 Joe Shadwick

    Introducing the newest craze to hit the nation in weight
    loss…

    The Doughnut Curl! (patent pending)

    That’s right boys and girls, are you looking to get rid of
    some of that extra fat?

    You don’t need to change anything. You don’t even have to
    get out of your chair.

    Some will say you need to change your diet – but we tell you
    NO!!

    With our innovative arm curling exercise you do while you
    eat, you too can burn off those extra calories. We say no to diets, in fact you
    should eat more so you can do more curls. Want a treat? No problem… eat that
    cupcake and just do an extra curl or two and you will be burning TWICE the
    calories!!! That’s right!!

    Even NF’s own Steve had this to say: “I always curl my arm
    when I eat”

    And you should too!!

    *Views and opinions in this advertisement are not those
    shared by our company and its affiliates. Any use of the “Doughnut Curl” is
    done so at your own risk and no guarantees are guaranteed. Also the person
    disclosed as “Steve” may be the Steve that works in our mail room and not the
    Steve from NF. This program should not be used by those without arms, pregnant women,
    pregnant men, pregnant giraffes, anyone with the desire to accomplish anything with
    their lives unless that accomplishment involves becoming very large. “Doughnut
    Curl” is a patent pending name and anyone who is found to use it will be
    visited by 16 lawyers and beaten with a doughnut.*

  • Shukar

    Hello there nerds. Are you weak, tired, not awesome enough to even be having a conversation with me? Whatever you said it really wasn’t interesting enough for me to bother because you don’t even know the first thing about working out. The first thing is my simple program of only 15 steps that you can learn with my monthly DVD series. Each month delivered direct to your door will be a VHS disc of the latest tips and advice from me on how to get ripped or die trying. You can look like me, no you can’t see a picture taken with reasonable lighting that doesn’t seem important, for only 12.99 a month, cancel any time. If you join now as a free gift you’ll receive a box of delicious low fat whole grain peanut butter bars and a second Betamax version of my special just for you, so don’t tell anybody we’ve only got a couple of copies and we don’t want a huge rush.

  • Dizzy

    I thought this was a good, funny blog until the latest Goop newsletter hit my mailbox. There really ARE people out there that spout this shite! http://www.goop.com/journal/do/210/tracy-anderson-15-minute-workout Swinging kettlebells with the girls this morning we had to laugh & wonder whether we had “feminine muscles” or not :)

  • bentoboxing

    Stock up on fruit juices! They’re very healthy as they only contain natural (reads “healthy”) and no added sugars!

  • Elizabeth

    Dear Steve, 

    You have also forgotten an important element of fitness: fitness holidays.

    For long term success, a fitness holiday is vital. As usual, the more expensive the better.  Firstly, destination. It’s important to go abroad, somewhere as exotic as possible. This is to gain health benefits unavailable in your country. Secondly, there is a large choice of different fitness holidays. Some are “trekking” which is a codeword for walking. These should be avoided at all costs unless they are somewhere cool like the Great Wall of China. “Detox” holidays are excellent at kick-starting the tricky “detoxing” process. These usually consist of staying in a comfortable hotel/spa while getting massages, doing some yoga and relaxation classes. I once did a relaxation class that was so effective I fell asleep 10 minutes into the class! These spas are available in many countries, including your own, but this is one of the most important to travel for. Finally, there are some fitness holidays that offer just about everything. These are by far the best. Why do the same sort of thing for 5 days when you could do 5 different things for 1 day? 

  • Tiz

    When you partake in exer

  • Isobel

    Whenever you do activities you MUST stuff your face full of sports drinks and as many calories as possible so you have enough energy to do the exercise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Phoebe

    I was running a mile as warm-up on the treadmill the other day and the ladies next to me were walking whilst hanging on the rails, I overhead them talking “you know, it’s not healthy to run because It makes your body uncomfortable.” . . . . I couldn’t believe what I was hearing!!!!

  • Ashley

    If you’re not using a Nike Fuelband or a fitness app, remember that your workout will not count.  You must connect to facebook and announce your time, distance, calories burned and route taken to get any benefit from exercising.  

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/PDVCZGDS3DLZH6LWSPLPHZ2JNY Rae

    Don’t forget to wear that $100 yoga shirt to the park so all the other moms can see how fit you are!  Nothing burns calories like wearing cute fitness clothes- it’s 10 calories an hour for every dollar spent, I believe.  Of course it doesn’t count if no one sees you wearing it- that’s the key!

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/PDVCZGDS3DLZH6LWSPLPHZ2JNY Rae

    HAHAHAHA!

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