It’s like they’re trying to kill you.
Our friends over at KFC, fresh off the campaign to put healthier grilled chicken on the menu, have decided to reclaim the ‘are you kidding me’ throne from Taco Bell by introducing one of the most disgusting things I have ever seen. Take a bunch of bacon, cover it in melted cheese, douse it in Colonel’s Sauce (I don’t know what’s in his sauce, and I don’t want to know), and then bookend it with two deep fried chicken patties instead of a bun. It’s called the “Double Down,” and it will wreak havoc on your stomach, your arteries, and eventually your plumbing.
Now, for those of you salivating at the thought of this fantastically atrocious creation (my buddy Jordan comes to mind), you’re going to have to wait your turn. At the moment, it’s only available in Rhode Island and Nebraska, but the way this country is getting fatter I’m confident it’ll do well and will be available from coast to coast. USA! USA! Check out this surprisingly funny MSNBC video about the Double Down:
It’s really not the end of the world if you eat one of these things (you can do far worse when it comes to calories and nutrition), but come on, look at that thing! I’d like to think if you have a shred of dignity or self-respect, you can’t walk into a KFC and order one of these with a straight face. Congrats Colonel Sanders, you’ve clearly outdone yourself this time. If you want to see pictures of what the sandwich looks like in real life, check out the food geekery. I guess you can add the Double Down to the KFC famous bowl, to the list of most depressing foods in the world. Check out comedian Patton Oswald’s take on the Famous Bowl (lots of F-bombs, but effing hilarious):
I’ll never forget the last time I went to a KFC. I had just accepted my job with Sixthman in Atlanta, and I was driving there all the way from San Diego. Now, obviously out on the road, you don’t get to be picky about your food choices and the trip was already less than optimal, considering I was in a car with no heat or air conditioning. I hadn’t eaten all day as I drove through New Mexico…which smells like horse poop, by the way. The entire state. I’m sorry if you’re from there, but it does. Anyways, the only thing open I could find open at midnight before pulling into a motel was a KFC/Taco Bell hybrid restaurant. That’s right! Two healthy choices in one!
I hadn’t eaten fast food for probably six months prior to this night, but I figured, “what’s the worst thing that could happen?” I ordered the two taco & three chicken strips combo and a bottle of water. It was actually quite tasty, and it went down easy enough. I found a motel, checked in, and tried to get a good night’s sleep before my 14 hour drive the next day.
I woke up with a brick in my stomach. KFC/Taco Bell:1, Steve: 0.
Of course, because I had a long ass drive to Houston to meet up with my friend Cash, and the ‘brick’ certainly wasn’t moving anywhere, I hopped on I-10 and started driving east. I entered the state of Texas on I-10 at exit 1, and left I-10 at exit 740. For that entire ride (which felt like an eternity), I drove with my legs tucked up in the fetal position and the car in cruise control (luckily the posted speed limit was 80mph and I was the only car on the road). I don’t think I have ever had a more miserable day in my life.
Please, if you’re on a road trip, be careful what you eat. Use your GPS if you can and find a grocery store. Run in and grab some good food, hit up the salad bar, check their ‘hot lunch’ or ‘hot dinner’ options, whatever makes you happy. If you NEED to eat fast food, aim for the stuff that’s going to do the least amount of damage to your insides. It’s funny, but once you give up fast food, after a while you don’t even miss it.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m road tripping to Rhode Island for a Double Down….naht.