The WORST Fitness Advice You’ll Ever Receive

Dear confused fitness enthusiast,

I know there’s a LOT of conflicting information out there on fitness, and you want to know how to get healthy.

Luckily, that’s why I’m here: to make sure you do everything properly and achieve MAXIMUM EXTREME RESULTS.  I’ve been around the block a time or two, and have bought every fitness product and program imaginable. So…I’m kind of an expert at this stuff.

Here’s the double secret formula to losing weight and getting healthy.

Gear

sketchers-shape-up

First and foremost, you need to have the right gear. If you don’t have the best stuff, then you’re never going to get results. What’s that you say? You don’t have butt-toning shoes? Don’t listen to those fools that say you can workout in anything, if your shoes don’t cost as much as an iPad mini, then you’re wasting your time.

Next, you should probably get some thigh shaping spandex, preferably leopard print - they’ll help target the fat on your legs for maximum burn, minimizing the amount of work you need to do!

Don’t worry, we won’t be breaking a sweat, so you don’t have to worry about looking really good all of the time.

Sweating is for suckers.

Equipment

Dunstan follows along. Nolan is dubious.

Great, you’re now looking the part. It’s time to start working out.  Right? WRONG!

You need to get the right equipment or you’d be better off just sitting down and giving up.  I’m going to list the equipment by most important:

Some sort of ab machine - I don’t care if you pick the Ab Coaster, Ab Roller, Ab Chair, Hawaii Chair, or Ab Rocket – pretty much anything with “ab” in its title.  Simply crank out a few reps while eating donuts and that stubborn belly fat just melts away!

Too much work for you? That’s fine!  Get yourself an Flex belt – it’s like an electric chair for your stomach. Nothing could go wrong there.  Or these weight loss wraps.  That’s right, through magic, you just wrap yourself up and lose weight!

Okay that should take care of that stubborn belly fat…

Then, you should buy at least three Shake Weights - If you’re a lady, then you probably want toned arms. Shaking a weight (in pink!)  for ten minutes a day should be enough to produce results to make that wench Bethany down the street jealous. Take that Bethany!  

Next, get an expensive nautilus-type machine with 562 moving parts - This is fantastic: it practically does all of the work for you! The more money you spend, the better! You simply sit down and swing your arms and legs – BAM! You’ll look like Arnold.

Under NO circumstances should you pick up a free weight.  They’re heavy, and REALLY difficult to pick up sometimes.  Not cool.

Last but not least, get yourself this revolutionary treadmill that simulates walking…up a hill.  GOOD LUCK finding a place to do THAT in reality.  What do you think this is, Imaginationland?

Now, you’ll need to take out a second mortgage to buy all of this equipment, but that’s okay – I know a GREAT refinance guy.

Workout

jazzersize

Okay so now that you have all of this equipment, it’s time to sign up for the most expensive gym membership you can find - preferably one with lots of machines.  If it has free weights, try to avoid it – you might have to deal with people lifting things up and putting them down. No thank you!

Next, I want you to sign up for EVERY class they have in that gym – jazzersize, boxersize, supersize, Sweatin’ to the oldies, Dub-steppin’ to the newies,  and so on. The more classes you can sign up for, the better. Don’t worry, you’ll only be attending each class once…and never going back.

If you’re a lady, avoid the free weights like the plague. Everybody knows that lifting weights will turn you into a bulky monster.  If you MUST pick up a dumbbell, grab the little pink ones, and do as many reps as possible. I’m talking 50-60 reps per exercise.  If you can’t do that many, get a lighter weight.

DO NOT PICK UP A WEIGHT HEAVIER THAN 3 POUNDS, EVER!

Unfortunately, this also includes things like groceries, the laundry, a backpack, your children, a laptop, etc.

On second thought, just stay away from the free weights all together – that’s no place for a lady.

And last but not least – you should be changing your workout every four hours. This way your muscles are always confused and have no clue WTF is going on. If you stick with a workout routine for longer than four hours, seek immediate medical attention.

Speaking of which, the more confusing, convoluted  and complicated you can make your workout, the better.  Like, I’m talking “need a degree in rocket science to understand” complicated.

For example, I’m currently doing a 28-day workout split.

Tomorrow is “left glute” day.

Diet

donuts

I left this for last because it’s by far the least important thing on your list.  

For starters, don’t bother changing what you eat or how much (hopefully your gym is supplying you with pizza and bagels).  We’re just gonna pump you full of pills and shakes instead! March on down to your nearest GNC and tear through that place like a Toys R’ Us kid on a 5-minute shopping spree.

I love to just hold my arm up and run forward, knocking everything on the shelves into the cart.  Diet pills? Fantastic. Fat burner shakes? DOUBLE UP.  Muscle building powder?  You bet your ass! Dragon blood? Unicorn tails?

Get. It. All.

The more expensive the supplement, the more effective it’ll be. 

After that, we’re off to the grocery store!  Quickly bypass the fruits and vegetables, and skip anything not labeled as ‘low-fat!’  Definitely head straight to the frozen food section – check out all of those low fat “healthy meals.”  BOOO FAT! Disregard the 50 unpronounceable ingredients in your healthy “17 cheese lasagna.” It says it’s healthy on the box.

Now, as you make your away around the grocery store, grab yourself some low-fat ice cream, low-fat bagels, low-fat bread, low-fat OREOS, low-fat fried dough, and everything else that is low fat.  Trust me on this one, it’s low fat, so it’s healthy.

If you don’t want to go shopping, no problem! Drive on over to Taco Bell, and grab yourself a taco salad.  Of course it’s healthy, it’s a salad isn’t it?.  This also works for other healthy items like macaroni salad, potato salad, pasta salad, and ‘deep fried ball of lard’ salad.

And last but not least, wash it all down with a 32 oz. Gatorade.  That’s hundreds of calories important nutrients and 56 grams of sugar awesome!

What would you add?

yellow_dumbbell

With these 47 easy steps, you should be well on your path to getting healthy!

What’s that you say?

You still have money left over?

BUT WAIT! There’s more!

I actually have a super secret SPECIAL product that will guarantee results.

You won’t have to change your diet, you won’t have to work out, and it only takes 5 minutes, three times a year!  For just eighteen payments of $19.99, and one payment in wampum, I’ll sell you my patented system for effortless weightloss!

But only if you call right now – supplies are limited! Operators are standing by (to take your money).

Your concerned friend,

Steve

What sort of other GREAT (wink wink) advice would you give to our fitness enthusiast here?

Leave a comment that makes us laugh the most, and I’ll send you a free NF shirt (grey or superhero) – submit your comment before 11:59pm on Sunday, Feb. 3rd!

###

photo sources: glutessketchers shoes, shake weight, jazzersize, donuts, yellow dumbbell

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  • http://twitter.com/joey_strawn Joey Strawn

    Thanks, Kimberly!

  • http://twitter.com/joey_strawn Joey Strawn

    Zygote is INTENSE, bro. 

  • http://twitter.com/joey_strawn Joey Strawn

    Did anyone win the shirt?

  • will

    No heavy weights for girls is such a bad myth. The best looking women I know mix up their workouts well people who work purely on cardiovascular like running will not get the same results as those who mix it up you’ve got to keep your muscles guessing. Im not suggesting that you turn into a squat gobbling monster but by strengthening your muscles under low rem high intensity you can put your heart rate up and make the right curves quicker

  • Chris Jensen

    The sad thing is I have actually seen girls workout at the gym like this. Lifting weights so small I have to double check to see they are lifting anything at all, and walking all of 2 mph for hours (if that, sometimes I could only tell they were moving at all because of their jiggly butts) I understand that some people have to start with that, but these gals were no where near that far gone.

  • Chris Jensen

    Extremely Late for an entry, but I thought I’d post anywho. The Kitty lifting workout. If you don’t already have a kitty, just go to any pet store and purchase the smallest kitty you can find, preferably one that has already reached the end of its growth cycle. Make sure to only feed it with the brand name foods with the most healthy labels and only feed it half the recommended amount; We wouldn’t want it to develop a bit of a pot belly now would we. Now for the workout routine: simply lift your kitty 1-3 times a day and cuddle with it for a few minutes. Lifting your kitty more times than this per day may adversely affect your health as kitties resist frequent cuddling. Side effects may include, but are not limited to: cat scratches, clawed furniture, clawed carpets, stepping in cat poo, stepping in cat urine, runny nose, red, itchy eyes, loss of sleep, shredded t-shirts, strange odors, and hair loss.

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  • Seleas

    Do you perform lobotomies as well? I could do to get rid of that fat as well!

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  • Megan

    yeah I have to admit I totally would too

  • Motomom

    Ok this is WAY old but I would have included that if none of the above worked, make your friends to the all-you-can-eat buffets. If you don’t get skinnier, make those around you fatter.

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  • Pingback: The Best* Fitness Advice You Will Ever Pick Up | How to Increase Fitness & Lose the Ability to Breathe

  • Barry T Dallmann

    I would never talk to that person again.

  • Catalin M

    Actually recent studies show that if you want to lose weight and tone you need to avoid food. Or water.And you must perform 10.000 crunches a day.
    Great post I Steve I can’t stop laughing.
    You inspire me a lot
    Catalin M.

    http://bigcathealthcoach.com

  • Sarah Walczewski

    “tomorrow is left glute day!” LMAO!

  • AlejandroArroz

    Don’t waste your precious time by doing squat. Chicks don’t look at your legs and you use them anyway every day by walking. That’s right: Only bench press and arm curl. Do’ll do.

  • Martine Boulanger

    This just cracked me up :D roflollmao xD
    Laughing is that bad too for your health? xD

  • Martine Boulanger

    like a boss! How do you do that? I do my pullups, push ups, deadlifts, dumbells row and dips for like months now and I see only little results. My body is killing me like hell, please tell me your magic! :D

  • Barnaby

    IMHO the comment about nautilus was unjustified. They do have some multi-gyms (I guess they sold out) but the core of Nautilus (as pioneered by Arthur Jones) is next level. I do not agree that they are necessary, but the benefits of resistance exercise which tracks the strength curve of each movement can give you the upper hand, and cannot be replicated any other way.

    If you’re looking for complete inroad of muscle fibre (such as for a HIT-style workout), a machine that cams to the strength curve will produce unparalled results.

  • Annie

    Please, please! I am begging you to avoid good form at all possible! As long as your fitness magazine tells you to do it, you can do it how ever you like. Knee problems from you knees not going over your toes? Back injuries from hunching you back? No results from swinging you arm up while doing bicep curcles? All poppycock! You burning 232,4 kcals an hour aren’t you? That’s all the really matters.

  • Andreas

    Wait. Russian cosmonauts were exposed to ANTI-gravity?

  • Jess

    Hey girls, are you sick and tired of being a size 2? Do the constant, “Oh my god, are you really going to eat a third piece of celery!” comments just make you want to tear your hair out? Don’t kid yourself into thinking they’re not looking at your stomach – they are!

    Never fear, our team of dedicated researches has worked for years to bring you the results YOU want, and have just recently found the secret solution to weight loss, releasing it to the public for a low cost of one easy payment of YOUR HEALTH!

    Our researchers found that when we put calories into our body, our bodies immediately expand to three times the size. Regardless of if it’s an apple, a taco or an entire cake, your body WILL immediately gain 50 pounds. The secret solution we’re releasing to you today will make you wonder why YOU didn’t think of it yourself! And why didn’t you, I mean, come on, were you too busy eating?

    The ONLY way to lose weight is pure logic; calories result in instant fat, so why not simply STOP EATING? You’ll start to see instant results, and you’ll be down to that size 000 in no time! Your hair will be shinier, your skin will be smoother, your teeth whiter and your eyes brighter!*

    Don’t mess around with meal replacements, health fads and advice of other so called “professionals.” This is THE way to do it, and if you’re no doing it, then you’re not COOL. Your parents aren’t cool, so of course they’re telling you to eat something – they just don’t know what’s best for you.

    But we do.

    Stop eating today, and take control of YOUR life.

    *Individual results may vary. But it’ll work for YOU, we promise.

  • ALI

    Take a selfie before every exercise you begin. Spend at least 20 minutes replying to likes and comments between sets. No one is waiting on you to finish with that curl bar.

  • Adrienne McBride Isbell

    I’m just going to drink detox tea that is made from magic beans, along with my colon cleanse pills. I’m only fat because of the toxins Obama puts in my food so that I will be forced to use his healthcare. Detox tea will fix everything in my life. When I get skinny in 30 days, I can go back to eating whatever I want. I know this because I’ve maintained the same fat weight for a long time with my current eating habits, so I can definitely maintain my skinny body by eating the exact same way.

  • Nafisa Tabassum

    DO NOT EAT ANYTHING BUT RABBIT FO- I mean, vegetables, in the next five weeks, add 10 pounds of maynnaise if you feel like it, DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT AFFECTING YOUR WEIGHT! Get your “flat stomach” in ten lifet- ahem, ten weeks- GUARANTEED!

    Becareful that you don’t lift anything over 3 pounds, because that will make you look like a person instead of a starved gazelle!!!

  • Meesh Hall

    Are you not gaining muscle quick enough? You’re right you shouldn’t take a hard look at your training regime! You should blame your pre-workout (clearly the greatest product ever created and so healthy it makes your face burn!), your protein shake and your post workout…or all those CLA pills you’re taking! You need to try our product!!! A low fat, high fructose protein shake!!!!

  • Tom Christian

    I know black coffee is only 5 calories and a natural way to get moving for your workout, but skip it. Blow $59 on chalky synthetic chemicals that speed your heart up like coccaine instead! Make sure you tweet a about ingesting your pre workout product too or it won’t work. Remember exercise doesn’t produce results unless you tweet about it and all the supplements you’re taking and how you did arms or legs today and can’t walk now..

  • Mary

    This……is……..HILARIOUS. :D

  • andy

    ‘deep fried ball of lard’ salad.

    Gotta get me some of that.

  • http://www.zemellachiro.com/ Santa Barbara Chiropractor

    It seems as if every few months there’s a new diet whose rules and requirements we must follow if we’re going to reach the goal of good health. The “paleo” diet provides a great example of this phenomenon. We’re exhorted by paleo proponents to eat lots of fats and animal protein. Carbohydrate consumption should be fairly light. Grass-fed beef is prized by paleo-dieters. You may consume unlimited amounts of butter, and must eliminate all cereals, legumes, and dairy products (except butter of course) from your diet. Now unless you’re a paleo convert, these prescriptions may seem to fly in the face of everything you’ve ever known about healthy eating. Paleo supporters will respond with the claim that human biology developed over the course of hundreds of thousands of years and that agriculture is brand new, having arrived about 10,000 years ago. That’s worth thinking about, but we may remember that other diets backed by correspondingly compelling logic and dollops of science have come and gone over the course of many decades.

    For instance, the Atkins diet is still going strong for more than 50 years. The main requirement of the Atkins diet is low carbohydrate consumption, and in this way the Atkins program resembles the paleo diet. High-protein consumption is the other pillar of the Atkins approach. The rationale was that such an eating plan would force your body to burn fat, rather than glucose, for energy. But the diet hasn’t withstood rigorous scientific scrutiny.

    Vegan and vegetarian diets have also been popular for many decades.3 The vegetarian lifestyle has wide appeal and vegetarian recipes are famed for their simplicity and palate-pleasing qualities. However, vegetarian contrarians do exist. Some studies even suggest that vegetarian or vegan diets may be associated with anxiety, depression, and neurologic dysfunction.

    The bottom line is that good sense should prevail. Starting a diet because the program was touted in a magazine article or a talk-show interview may not be in every person’s best interest. Simply put, any diet may be harmful to a particular person. It’s important to remember that what works for one person may not work for another. Paleo, Atkins, and vegetarian diets may create great benefits for certain persons, but may cause real medical problems for other people. The best overall approach for most us is to eat regularly from a wide variety of food groups, make sure to eat five servings of fresh fruits and vegetables every day, and pay close attention to portion control and calorie intake. Those desiring more detailed information and recommendations will find their chiropractors and family physicians excellent sources of expert guidance.