[Yeah, this was an April Fools joke DEEP BREATH!]
Bust out the lightsabers and start celebrating like the Death Star just blew up.
After four years, nearly five hundred published posts, thousands of emails, and months of back-and-forth negotiations, my lifelong dream has finally come true.
It’s been a long time coming, and although it’s somewhat bittersweet, I couldn’t be happier with how things turned out.
I’m excited to share this news with you today.
Nerd Fitness has been acquired.
I’m sure you have a lot of questions, so I want to make sure I explain myself.
What does this mean for Nerd Fitness?
Late last week, I signed paperwork to merge Nerd Fitness with the Natural Life Food Company, a major player in the health and wellness industry.
Like any other business deal, this will result in some changes now that Nerd Fitness is a new subsidiary of another company.
These are the major changes you can expect, but I think you’ll agree they’re not too bad:
1) Our revenue model will switch from original Nerd Fitness products, to advertisements. You’ll start to see ads from various fitness products and supplements from my parent company or its affiliates around the site (side bar, header, pop-ups, etc.). Ads are the future of the online fitness industry, and we’re glad to get in on the ground floor.
2) A focus group of people who hadn’t seen Star Wars determined that “The Rebellion” was too confusing and controversial of a community name, potentially alienating those who feel threatened by alternative thinking.
Thus, instead of “Join the Rebellion!” we’ll be urging people to “Join the Fun Fit Squad, or don’t. Either way, you’re great!”
3) Last but not least, the Nerd Fitness Community will now be sponsored by Teamocil*, one of Natural Life Food Company’s most popular supplements. You’ll also be required to pay a 19.99 per month membership fee to view or post on the forums.
In my opinion, it’s $19.99 well spent, as, your membership will include a free bottle of Teamocil*.
*(I’m required by law to mention that Teamocil may decrease your sex drive).
What about Nerd Fitness content?
This was probably the toughest part of the negotiation process.
After all, Nerd Fitness content has a very specific style and structure.
I sat down with my new boss, Mr. Lumberg, for a few hours the other day to discuss our content moving forward. Luckily, we were both in agreement that something needed to change to keep things fresh and current.
The biggest change: the really long articles that I write on Nerd Fitness take WAY too much time for busy people to read (and too many hours for me to write), so all future articles will have a cap of 399 words. Skim and scan FTW!
Also, their market research shows that articles about nerdy topics like the Matrix and Assassin’s Creed don’t appeal to a wide enough demographic. We’ll be phasing out this stuff for more list posts and tips on banishing belly fat with superfoods like acai.
What is Steve’s new role in the company?
As part of my agreement, I need to relocate from Nashville TN to Natural Life Food Company’s parent company headquarters in Scranton, PA. You see, Natural Life Food Company is a division of Chemgrow, an Allyn-Crane Acquisition, and part of the Squimm Group. Pretty standard in this industry.
I will have to go to an actual office now, but I’ll have complete freedom to set my own hours, provided I arrive between 8:55 AM and 9:00 AM, leave between 5:05 PM and 5:10 PM, and take less than 30 minutes for lunch.
Five whole days for vacation though. Holla!
My new role in the company is going to be ever changing, which excites me. For the first few months, I’ll continue writing this newly adjusted Nerd Fitness content, while a team of analysts tracks and records my writing. This research team is currently hard at work developing an algorithm to automatically create future Nerd Fitness content; think of it sort of like a Nerd Fitness Mad-Lib!
It’s actually quite brilliant, as their computers can literally fill in the blanks and create mass-market friendly Nerd Fitness content all day long:
[Insert random Lego photo here]
I was inspired by [lovable 80’s movie] and [heroic comic book character], who motivated me to try [healthy activity] and live life [positive adverb].
Watch this adorable video of a [non-threatening baby animal].
I’m currently learning [random skill] and [failing/succeeding] at it has taught me that [inspirational quote].
No more writing? What’s next?
Once I’m phased out of the writing process, I’m going to be working closely with NLFC to create NF products available exclusively on QVC, starting in the Fall of 2013!
That’s right, Natural Life Food Company and I will be developing a series of products and services that harness the power of the Nerd Fitness brand. BOOM.
Here are a few of the products we’re working on:
- Nerd Fitness Energy Drinks – The healthy alternative to soda!
- Low Fat Nerd Fitness Microwave Dinners- Move over Lean Cuisine!
- The Nerd Fitness Rebel Ab Belt – It’s like a utility belt, for your abs!
- Nerd Fitness Protein Infused Vodka – We partnered with Ke$ha on this one, it’s delicious!
- Nerd Fitness C-THRU Yoga Pants – LuluLemon didn’t take it far enough, in my opinion.
The answer is: I don’t know yet, but the sky is the limit.
After my two years are up in Scranton, I’ll take my $5,000 and my Delorean (the sale price for Nerd Fitness) and develop my REAL passion: chess boxing.
From the bottom of my heart, I want to say thank you.
Without you (and your pageviews), this acquisition wouldn’t have been possible.
I’d love for you to leave a comment and let me know what Nerd Fitness products you’d like me to create this fall for our infomercials with QVC:
Tell me what it is, how it works, and what you think the marketing/advertising should be.
We’ll pick two winners (one at random, the other being the “best” product/supplement/service), and hook them up with a free Nerd Fitness t-shirt!
Here’s a link to our press release with more information about the new company.
For the Fun Fit Squad!
PS: Happy April Fools’ Day!
Yes, this is 100% a joke. Come on, you think I’d sell out like that?
PPS: I’m not kidding about the free t-shirts, please leave some awesome comments so I can give you free stuff.
PPPS: In case you missed the announcement on Thursday, we added a slew of new items to the Nerd Fitness Store: hats, sweatpants, and tank tops!