“How to look like James Bond in Casino Royale!”
“The Taylor Lautner Twilight Workout!”
“Exactly how Scarlett Johansson got in shape for the Avengers!”
These articles are fun to read. They sell magazines. They turn heads, grab your attention, and give you a plan to follow so that you can look just like your favorite celebrity in your favorite movie. And it’s easy to see why. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish I looked like Ryan Reynolds in Blade:Trinity. I’m sure any lady reading this site would love to look like Scarlett Johansson in The Avengers or Jessica Biel in Blade:Trinity.
I want to share the secret with you – this will allow you to look like any celebrity or actor you choose, provided you’re willing to follow the things below step by step. Miss just one and you’re going to come up short and disappointed.
Ready? Let’s do it.
Have really good genes
Some people acquire fat easily, while others will always struggle to put on any kind of weight (including muscle), and thus neither is truly desirable.
If you are a gentleman, then you need to make sure you pick a dad that can put on muscle incredibly easily. You want to choose genes that allow you to just look at weights and get bigger.
If you are a lady, then you’ll want to pick a mom that happens to be one of the genetic darlings who can eat whatever she wants and retain an incredibly low body fat percentage, while still managing to have an incredible figure.
Do everything you can to pick good parents, a lot is riding on those genetics!
A lot of money AND time
Next up, you need to be in a job or occupation that provides you with a considerable cash flow. I’m talking, like, a LOT of money. If you need an amount, start here: you should be able to swim in a vault full of money, if possible.
Some potential career choices include:
- Bank robber: High risk but really high reward!
- Drug Dealing Kingpin: I’d advise against meth though, as I hear Heisenberg has the market cornered.
- Famous actor/actress: You make a lot of money for working a few hours a day.
- Lottery winner: probably the easiest way to win money, as no skill or talent is required. Spend as much as required on scratch tickets and pick random numbers to win a few million. Start with: 4,8,15,25,47,42.
Now, the reason you need a job like one of the above is because you need both money and time. Being a homeless guy will surely give you a lot of free time, and being a hardworking individual might help you out on the money front, but you need both: make a lot of money without the responsibility of long hours.
Speaking of responsibilities…
Eliminate all distractions
Ugh, don’t you hate when you have to do stuff?
I certainly do. We all have obligations that take up a considerable portion of our time. These things are going to distract you from getting in your training and diet, so we need to eliminate them quickly and efficiently.
You know the exact things that I’m talking about. Nuisances like:
- Responsibilities: Laundry? Groceries? Bill paying? Dog walking? A job? Gross. Hand all of these tasks off to one of your assistants, or the assistant to your assistant. Either will suffice.
- Children: These little time-sucks will pretty much guarantee you won’t reach your goals. Either don’t have them (optimal), or at worst, hire somebody else to manage them.
- Social life: Friends get in the way. They make you do things like hang out, eat dinner with them, or have drinks with them. None of those things are going to be optimal.
By eliminating these things from your daily routine, and you have just freed up enough time, energy, and willpower (which is a finite resource) to focus on the other three things you need:
The perfect diet, a custom workout plan, and 9-10 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night.
The Perfect Diet
At this point, you’re independently wealthy, you’ve removed all other responsibilities, and you have all day to focus on looking really really ridiculously good looking.
Are you planning on spending that day cooking and preparing meals?
Of course not, that’s ridiculous. That’s what other people are for!
After acquiring a nutritionist who will put together your diet plan for an exorbitant fee (hope you like dump truck sized portions of chicken and broccoli!), I want you to reach out to your personal chef and have him prepare every one of your meals in advance, delivered to your door.
These meals are going to be composed of organically, locally sourced vegetables, grass fed beef from happy cows, salmon that have swam in the fountain of youth, and chicken raised on farms in Portlandia.
For the next six to eight months, this is how you will eat, no exceptions. Sure you might like some variety, but with your meals all getting prepared for you, you simply have to open up your industrial sized refrigerator and follow the instructions!
Quick side note: If you’re a dude, this process will go much quicker if you’re also on steroids. Don’t worry though, we won’t tell anybody that you’re on them – that’s not good for your public image!
The perfect workout plan
Now that you’ve got the diet portion down, let’s chat about your workout.
You might think getting stronger and bigger go hand in hand, but our goal isn’t to make you more functionally stronger and awesome…we just need you to LOOK like that.
You might get stronger as an unfortunate side-effect, but we’ll be focusing on the glamour muscles: your biceps, shoulders, chest, and abs. Don’t worry about legs – we’re gonna have you in pants most of the time anyway.
Unless you’re a woman. Then we’ll have you do a lot of squats and machine hamstring curls to make your butt look good in tight leather pants. Yes, they must be tight and leather. Underwear and/or bikinis are also acceptable.
But I digress!
Back to the workout! We’ll chop your workout into different body parts, scattered over a number of days, so you can attack each with isolated tenacity. We’ll spend a few months packing on some decent muscle (I have a great steroid guy for you! That will make this way easier).
If you’re a woman, then we’ll skip right to the “cut” phase: we’ll mix in a boat load of low weight work and steady state cardio. Unless your goal is to look like a strong actress in the show (who is guaranteed to have an attitude and constantly have to prove herself for some reason)….if that’s the case, then we’re gonna have you do sprints, spend hours on the rowing machine, and then mix in martial arts and crossfit style workouts that will make you want to vomit your guts out.
But please god don’t vomit – that’s $73 worth of grass fed fillet that you’re throwing up!
The goal is to get you down to the lowest possible body fat percentage possible. It doesn’t matter if it makes you irritable, you lose strength, and you feel like crap. You need to look good.
If you run out of motivation, don’t worry – we’ll have two trainers (you DO have two, right?) that are yelling at you and taking you through every single rep, set, and workout. Just follow the steps, mindlessly listen to the guy/gal you’re paying $1,000/hr to yell at you, and 6-8 months later you’ll be transformed!
By the way, don’t worry I already took the liberty of also creating the perfect workout for you!
9-10 hours of sleep
Sleep is crucial when it comes to building muscle and getting fit.
After all, stress is a major producer of cortisol, and one of the biggest causes of stress is lack of sleep!
So, make sure you get your 9-10 hours every night; this is more important than ever if your goal is to put on a boat load of muscle. Fortunately, you’ve farmed out or eliminated all other priorities, so you can just focus on the eating, working out, and sleeping.
As far as getting a great sleep, I want you to buy the most expensive mattress you can find. If it’s less than $20,000 and isn’t made out of something that belongs on a space ship, then you’re just wasting your time.
Al Jefferson has a good basic bed on which to base your purchase.
Next, make sure you pick up 3-4 of those $500 pillows, preferably from an absurd catalogue (The Sharper Image, Hammacher Schlemmer, Sky Mall, etc.). You know, the ones made out of hopes and dreams, filled with feathers from geese that only lay golden eggs, coated with anti-sweat material that may or may not also change colors based on your mood.
Next, I want you to get a sleep mask made from the silk of endangered spiders.
Oh, and your room needs to be completely pitch black. If you have some sort of actual cave in your house with no windows, that would be ideal. But if you don’t have that, then simply blacking out your bedroom windows while you build your sleep cave is a good start. If you need to develop Riddick-like night vision to find your bed, then you’re on the right path.
You might also want to consider investing in a Hyperbaric Oxygen Chamber, because that way…you have it.
There’s one final tip.
I suppose if you can’t afford a mattress made out of actual clouds, you’ll have to resort to regular sleep tactics.
Stake your career on it
Now, it’s quite easy to give up on a workout plan or a diet plan when it gets too overwhelming, or boring, or difficult, or life gets in the way.
Fortunately, we’re going to solve that problem with the ultimate accountability: staking your career on it. Get a job that requires you to transform your body, otherwise you could lose could lose your millions and everything else that goes with that cushy lifestyle you built up for yourself.
Sure, Frodo had to walk to Mordor to save Middle Earth, and Luke had to blow up the Death Star to save the galaxy, but we don’t have the luxury of setting up ‘must survive’ scenarios to make us actually do stuff, so we’ll have to settle for “career crippling mistakes” instead.
Shame, I know.
The greater the stakes, the better chance you’ll have at actually following through with it. So do whatever you can to build your life around your physical attributes.
Putting it all together
So, I realize this list is a bit extensive, but I wanted to share with you the step by step process to look exactly like your favorite celebrities.
Of course this type of lifestyle is completely unsustainable, but you’re only doing it for a few months to look the best you can for a few weeks or even a single shoot, so don’t worry about any long term effects.
Of course, after you go through all of the steps above, there are a few other things that need to happen:
- You need the camera to film you from the right angles so you look bigger.
- You need the lighting to hit you from the proper angle so you have the right shadows.
- You need to constantly do push ups, crunches, and bicep curls in between takes to make sure your muscles are adequately full of ‘pump’ for the camera.
I just assume you’re doing all of this for the camera, right?
And there you have it!
Unfortunately, if you DON’T follow these steps, then you’re most likely not going to look like those actors.
Which is fine, as long as you go into it knowing that. Rather than looking at yourself like a failure, I’d instead maybe try to draw different comparisons and motivations.
Sure, it’s fun reading about how a celebrity got in shape for a role in which he/she looks great: drawing motivation from these guys and gals is fine as long as you leave it at that: motivation. I need you to fully understand that the reason you don’t look like those actors and actresses is because you do not have the lifestyle, genetics, and opportunities they do.
As previously stated on this site, the only true comparison you can make is to yourself from yesterday. Are you better off today than yesterday? If so, congrats. Keep doing that 🙂
We have a community of people like you, who have real life responsibilities and less than Norse-God genetic potential. Find people who have succeeded where you hope to succeed, in a way that you hope to succeed.
And don’t forget to have fun every once and a while. It’s only life, after all.
For the Rebellion!
PS: If you aren’t a celebrity and don’t have all of the advantages and money they do, you might be better off following a plan that works for muggles and wizards alike, the Nerd Fitness Academy.