The 4 Step Plan to Talk to Anybody About Anything

These legos feel awkward talking.

If you find yourself struggling to talk with people, or you want to try and meet NEW people, you’ve come to the right place!

Today we’re gonna teach you how to master a conversation, instead of staring at your feet hoping somebody else will come talk to you.

These are the 4 Steps You Can Master to talk to ANYBODY about ANYTHING:

By the end of today’s article, your friends will need a muzzle to shut you up.

Believe it or not, we actually often work on “social skills” with our 1-on-1 NF Coaching clients.

Many clients are bettering themselves to start dating again, so we work hard to help them level up all areas of their lives.

Step 1: How to Make Small Talk – and Not Suck at It. (Human Interaction)

Small talk can make you happy.

The main reason we human folk seek to connect with one another is that it scratches a social itch.

Our social needs are just like hunger and thirst—we eat, drink, and talk to people because there’s a gap between our actual state (hungry/thirsty/lonely) and our ideal state (satiated/quenched/connected).

Your brain is saying, “Dude, mind helping me out a little? I’m not where I want to be.”

The whole idea here is to feel better after than we did before.

You ever talk to people who are in a super sour mood?

It’s kind of contagious, isn’t it?

Unless you happen to be friends with people who can make crankiness charming (such as professional comedians), it’s usually a bit of a bummer.

Let’s not be bummers!

Let’s be those other kind of people, the ones who leave our conversational partners in good moods after they talk to us.

Engaging in happy small talk isn’t just good for the people we talk to, by the way—it helps us as well. “Fake it ‘til you make it” is more than just a catchy rhyme.

The idea that acting a certain way encourages us to be that way has been around since Aristotle’s time. Take a look at his quote (from over 2,300 years ago!):

“Men acquire a particular quality by constantly acting a particular way.

We become just by performing just actions, temperate by performing temperate actions, brave by performing brave actions.”

Turns out the man knew what he was talking about.

A team led by Fritz Strack showed in 1988 showed that simply holding a pen in your mouth in a way that simulates the muscle movements of smiling makes cartoons seem funnier than when you hold it between your lips like a straw; other studies have shown that merely crossing your arms can make you more persistent!

So the next time you’re feeling surly and looking for a change, challenge yourself to talk to someone in a more upbeat way and see if that helps shake it off.

I’m not suggesting you bop around like sunshine and fairy dust, but isn’t it powerful to realize that by simply chatting with another person in a positive way, you can walk away from the conversation with both you and them feeling better off?

(Feel free to give a little mental fist bump to Aristotle when you see how well this works.)

Step 2: How Do You Talk to Random People? (Thoughtful Small Talk)

Be thoughtful in your conversations.

Good small talk adapts in real-time, thoughtfully and attentively applying to whatever is happening in the moment.

This may sound overwhelming at first, especially if you like to plan things to say out in advance. The trick is to take a step back and pick one thing, any thing, on which to focus your attention.

There’s a finite list of what this thing will be:

  1. Whether it’s sunny, rainy, or snowy, that’s weather.
  2. Whether it’s a street parade, an art exhibit, or a hot tub limousine driving by, that’s scenery.
  3. Whether it’s someone with crazy shoes, a guy doing back handsprings, or a woman swinging from a chandelier, that’s people.
  4. Whether it’s a cute baby, a fluffy puppy, or a cool book, that’s belongings.

See how all of a sudden you can imagine having one or two prepared responses that can still perfectly apply to even the most novel of situations?

Now, this may only get you as far as your first or second line within a conversation, after which you may need to start coming up with stuff in the moment.

But the same logic of “step back/pick one thing” applies here too, and will help you keep from getting overwhelmed or panicking about what to say.

Here’s an example of small talk:

You: “I think I literally saw a cat and a dog raining down from the sky today.”

Them: “Ha! I know, right? I thought it was supposed to be spring.”

You: “It must be really tough to be a weatherman. You’re either stating the obvious or you’re a liar.”

Them: “My cousin is a weatherman.”

Curveball! You haven’t prepared anything about weatherman cousins! But this is interesting and novel enough to justify a conversational tangent all its own (and could fall under the category of jobs, if you wanted to add it to your earlier list). Try a simple question.

You: “Oh, interesting. How’d he or she get into that?”

Before you know it, you’re having a unique conversation, not banal “small talk”.

You’re also learning things about your conversational partner (and they about you), which will help you build from one-off conversations with strangers to consistent friendships and relationships with people.

Challenge yourself to identify these “one things” (weather, books, back handsprings) as you’re out interacting with people.

Use the comfort of a prepared line to open with if you like, but with the goal of finding something interesting that’s happening in that moment to comment on. Your conversations will instantly be more thoughtful, and the people you’re talking to will feel it, too.

Step 3: How Can I Be Good at Talking? (Be Quirky)

Be quirky in your small talk.

My cousin Kim met my fiancé for the first time a few months ago.

As soon as we all sat down, she said to him, “Tell me every single thing about yourself, starting from birth, and ending with right now.”

I thought it was just about the greatest thing I’ve ever heard.

If my friend Jess is at someone’s house for the first time, she’ll say, “If I were the bathroom, where would I be?”

She gets the answer– and a chuckle.

My friend David struck up a conversation with a cute girl in Jiffy Lube by asking her if she thought the guy in the waiting room looked like a beagle.

He called me to thank me for introducing him to his girlfriend.

These examples all have in common the theme of turning awkwardness into awesomeness. They’re about being confident, not being smooth.

Sometimes dialing up the awkward dial can be just what everyone needs to loosen up a little, like when my friend Mike starts his presentations at work by saying, “If I seem incredibly nervous, it’s because I am indeed incredibly nervous.” It’s a bold strategy, to be sure, but it can be incredibly refreshing.

There’s something undeniably fun about someone who says, “I’m hugely overcaffeinated right now, so I may pass out at some point. How was your weekend?”

In short, don’t feel pressure to rigidly adhere to some abstract notion of what small talk should be, losing all of your own delightful personality in the process. You’re a member of the Rebellion, after all!

You challenge conventional wisdom and embrace the weird every day– let small talk be no exception.

Step 4: How Can I Be Fun to Talk To? (In Defense of Being Imprecise)

Be imprecise in your conversations.

Remembering the little things? Sweet. Remembering every little thing? Creepy.

I happen to be in possession of a frighteningly good memory; I remember specific conversations (as well as where they took place, and what we were wearing) with people who couldn’t pick me out of a lineup.

I’m absolutely the person who goes up to people and says, “You’re a chiropractor? We sat next to each other on a plane from L.A. to San Francisco about a year ago, right?” Yes, right… but it didn’t matter. The dude was thoroughly creeped out, and I couldn’t blame him!

I’ve had to learn to hold back a little (okay, a lot) and not spew forth with every single thing I remember about my last conversation with someone the next time I see them.

Instead of: “how was that conference you went to in Phoenix?” go with, “You were going out of town when I saw you last, right?

Instead of: “Is your upper left molar feeling any better?” go with, “Hey, how’s it going?”

Like a good hairdo or pocket square, it sometimes takes a bit of effort in conversation to make it seem effortless, but it’s far preferable to freaking people out.

Take your time.

With each conversation, you’re watering a healthy plant, not dousing a fire. 

In fact, leaving a bit unsaid is probably the best way to ensure future conversations, and give you something to talk about next time!

Besides, when you’re imprecise, you allow the other person to narrow in on a topic that they are comfortable with, rather than forcing them to talk about their upper left molar!

How Do You Interact with Others? (Start Talkin’)

These Troopers are stoked they know how to have a conversation.

With these four keys in mind, you’re ready to start small talkin’.

Challenge yourself to approach one person a day and strike up a conversation, even if it’s brief.

Like everything else we do in life, good social skills can be learned, developed, honed, and improved. 

Though, it’s really tough to practice unless you commit to TRYING it out.

And who cares if the conversation goes poorly?

Failure is awesome.

Odds are you will NEVER see that person again in your life, and your life is no different now than it was 5 minutes before the conversation.

Of course the opposite could be true: you could meet somebody awesome.

And there’s only one way to find out which outcome you’re gonna get.

If you’re feeling really rusty, give it a shot with a friend or family member and ask for a little feedback afterward.

If you’re feeling bold, approach someone you wouldn’t normally talk to. If you draw a blank, ask a question.

Breathe, smile, listen.

Most of all, remember why you’re doing this, and remind yourself that you’re not imposing on someone by having a pleasant conversation with them—you’re making their day a bit brighter, and you should never be made to feel bad about that.

As always, I’m very interested to hear what you think, and how these lessons feel when you take them out for a spin.

We all crave regular social interaction; you might be surprised by how easy being good at small talk really is!

What are your major hangups with small talk?

Where do you plan to give these tricks a try?

-Lindsay Miller (good friend of Steve, and the Relationship & Social Skills expert of Nerd Fitness!)

PS: Like developing your social skills, getting healthy can be really intimidating, which is why we’ve built services and products to help you overcome the chaos and feel confident in the actions you’re taking every day:

  • 1-on-1 Online Coaching: A coach from Team NF gets to know you better than you know yourself and builds a workout program and nutritional strategy that fits your busy life, your body type, and your goals.
  • The Nerd Fitness Academy A self-paced online course with 7-level no-gym-required workouts, boss battles, HD-video demonstrations, a nutrition and mindset roadmap, and  supportive community in our flagship course.

Just want to learn more about what we do? That’s great too! Grab your free Nerd Fitness Starter Kit by clicking in the box below and I’ll send it right over!

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Check out Lindsay on Twitter @RellimYasdnil or send questions/comments at LoveAndDatingAdvice@gmail.com.

photo source:  lego small talkhappy, thoughtful, imprecise, quirky, storm trooper

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99 thoughts on “The 4 Step Plan to Talk to Anybody About Anything

  1. Great question! First of all, for the situation you’ve described in which you dread people approaching you, you might consider coming up with a line that defuses your tension without making the other person feel bad for approaching you. (As we’ve learned, it’s a pretty courageous act to approach someone you don’t know and attempt conversation with them, so they’re probably feeling nervous themselves!) Perhaps something like, “Fair warning, I’m an incredibly awkward conversationalist, but I’m glad you said hi!” Said with a pleasant smile and delivered with confidence, that’s the type of line that is uberawkward—so awkward it’s actually totally charming and disarming.

    As for your question about how to make small talk without prying, I’ve found that it’s best to stick to non-biographical questions, at least at first. Topics like what they’re reading, what they’re eating, where they got their shirt: fabulous. Where they live, what kind of car they drive, what their siblings’ names are: potentially dicey as a place to start with a stranger, as they have the potential to veer into the territory of “I’m asking you this so I can Google you when I get home… or so I can follow you home.” If you do throw in one of those questions, let them ask it back to you so it feels less like an interrogation, and then go back to those non-biographical questions for a bit. (“Oh, you live in Artesia? Is that where that cool library is?” vs. “Oh, you live in Artesia? WHAT STREET?”)

    Good luck, and keep me posted on how it goes for you!

  2. What are some of your “go to” questions, Paul? I’d love to hear them, and they might help some other people here!

  3. Thanks for the clarification and the input. Plenty of good things to think about now. 🙂 As strange as it seems, it is kind of relaxing to think that they might be feeling awkward as well. Sad, because I know how much it sucks to feel social anxiety, but kind of a relief at the same time.

  4. I go to online school (junior high – we’re 13 and 14) and we have study conventions and fun field trips sometimes. Do you think it would be weird if I just went up to someone (who I vaguely know because we were at the same table and barely talked to) and said, “I need a new best friend. How about it?”

    I’m a naturally shy girl and it’s very hard for me to talk to people, but I’m tired of beating around the bush and sugarcoating. Would you be weirded out? Does it matter if it’s a guy or a girl? ‘Cause the person I want to be friends with is a guy – simply because there were only two other girls there, one who was dressed in hot pink sparkles from head to toe (I’m already getting a headache imagining the unnecessary drama) and the other who was nearly four years younger than me (most of my female kinda sorta friends are younger because I hate all the stupidity and make-up the older ones don, but only two years at most – not that much). He seems like a nice guy and was really funny, but I wouldn’t want to creep him out. Btw, I don’t like him – at all. *nearly pukes at the thought* I simply want a new best friend.

    I’m putting way too much thought into this aren’t I? Do you think that I could post a “Wanted: Friends” flier on a bulletin board at the library – yes, I’m that desperate – and maybe I can meet some people I never would have otherwise met… or would that be too awkward?

  5. When I was 23 my friends from school had begun drifting away, moving to different cities, falling into romantic relationships, etc. At that time I realized that friends had just sort of been “handed” to me my whole life and I if I was to continue to have a social life I was going to have to reach out to strangers as potential friends. So one night I decided to implement my new strategy by going to a bar by myself! I’m not going to lie I was SUPER NERVOUS as I walked into the place. I ordered a beer and approached a group of attractive females and introduced myself, not trying just pick them up or anything, just trying to meet new people. We talked for like 2 minutes but I could tell they weren’t in the mood to talk to anyone but themselves so I decided to go back to the bar and finish my beer. At the bar there were two other women (slightly older than me) so I decided to talk to them and we ended up talking and laughing for a WHOLE HOUR! One of them was kind of stuck up and the other was really outgoing. Here is a highlight from our conversation:

    Girl #1: “Are you here by yourself? How drunk are you?”
    Me: “Yes and not drunk at all really, this is my first beer.”
    Girl #1: “So you just came here to drink by yourself?”
    Me: “Uhh what are you talking about, I’m drinkn’ with you guys.”
    Girl #2: “I LOVE THIS GUY!!!”

    Man, talking to strangers, what fun activity. I found that the actual talking part is totally not stressful at all, only the pre-talk anxiety. So how does one deal with the pre-talk anxiety? Start talking! Its really that simple. But yea bars are like gyms where you can workout your small-talk muscles.

  6. I made the same job switch recently (tech–>programming) and have found myself in a similar situation. Seems to be an occupational hazard 😛

  7. Hi, Midori! This was a really great question. It must add a whole additional layer to the social pressure of school when you only get together in person occasionally, particularly for folks like you who consider themselves shy. You asked two questions: one about approaching your fellow student and one about seeking new friends in your community. I think your proactivity and enthusiasm is great! And no, you’re not putting way too much thought into this—it’s clearly important to you so it makes sense that you’re taking it seriously! However, there may be a way to approach it that shows that you would be a great friend without putting undue pressure on those early interactions.

    For the guy you want to be friends with, let’s say you’re at a natural history museum for a field trip. What if you just asked him “Stegosaurus or Tyrannosaurus—GO” as a way of starting a conversation? Maybe you chat a little more during the field trip, and at the end say “It was nice chatting with you! I could use some fun new friends, you up for a random adventure next weekend?” You may still end up becoming best friends (and I hope you do!), but this way he won’t feel like you’ll be disappointed with anything less. And it also avoids the potentially uncomfortable scenario where you decide that you don’t want to be best friends with him after all, but he wants to be yours!

    For finding friends who live near you, I think your idea is quite cute! Especially if you spend a decent amount of time there and suspect that you’d hit it off with other bookworms. Maybe you could start a teen book club, and see what friendships develop? Consider focusing on the positive (rather than emphasizing your current lack of friends) by saying “Wanted: Book Club Partners in Crime” or something like that. I’ve also heard great things about meetup.com as a way to meet people who share similar interests, or try something new. (Whatever you do, please make sure to keep your family up-to-date about where you’re going and who you’re meeting up with!) I just moved to a new city myself and I can attest that meeting new people is rarely as easy as we hope. But wanting to do so doesn’t make you desperate—it makes you human 🙂

  8. This is really helpful. I just made a new friend on a field trip to the air and space museum! It worked! Thank you so much!

  9. its really helping.Thanks!!!
    Can you put up a article on how to talk to seniors,professors,bosses ….

  10. How do I fake making small talk? There is so many times I stop myself from blithering out something stupid obvious or I draw blanks. An whenever I do manage coming up with conversations I feel relaxed to talk about they have no fucking clue what I’m saying. >_>

  11. I’ve had a severe social phobia since I hit puberty, so I never really learned how to talk to people. Applying this when confronted with social interaction will definitely make me feel a little better and maybe a tiny bit more confident about it 🙂

  12. wow this actually helped a lot because im pretty awkward when it comes to conversation. people have actually thought I was depressed and asked me whats wrong because I keep to myself and don’t speak to others that much! little do they know once I start talking you cant shut me up…

  13. Probably best article that I’ve read on small talk. Wish I would’ve found this a while ago, considering the fact that I have no friends in highschool because Im not good at actually talking to people on the spot. However when I do attempt to, oh you better watch out it’s like a tsunami of silent awkwardness washes over after we introduce ourselves. Ughh its terrible. I really hope this ends up helping me make friends. Ik dork alert. Oh well, thanks for the article.

  14. Hi, Sara! Glad you enjoyed the article, and I’m sorry you’re having a tough time connecting with people in your school. You say you have difficulty talking to people on the spot. Is it the same when you try to answer a question on the spot in class, for example? Or do you find that comes more easily? ~Lindsay

  15. i m almost 25 year old and living in india
    i have question why people behave very attentive at public place, try to discourage other people, making other people dis-comfortable.

  16. I have always found small talk to be an incredibly taxing thing. I would much rather jump straight into interesting histories and stories so I get to know the other person well, but I am very shy and, as an introvert, social interactions with new people can be particularly draining and I haven’t the confidence to just jump into questions I want to ask. Some people do find the concept of small talk entirely alien and difficult.

  17. One of my hangups is that small talk feels unequal whenever I try it; I’m always appeasing or trying to get someone to like me and I don’t like being in a subordinate position like that. So I don’t do it. I suppose it might be something that goes away with practice…

  18. I have Social Anxiety, but my issues are pretty much none of the above, I simply don’t find it fun talking to people, it’s always a challenge and not the fun or pleasant kind. It doesn’t help that I’ve grown up in a fake-gangster culture where everyone else pretends they’re really cool, which I find incredibly annoying but the worst part is, that’s the only way to get respect anywhere.
    I had a girlfriend some time ago and well, because I was “too” sweet and not “cool” she pretty much dumped me for some other douche (which kinda sucked), and after that everyone else just saw me as weak, and I hate it because I work hard at everything I do and I hate the gangster attitude. (Unless you’re actually a gangster)

  19. I really love this article. I’m the type of person who never knows how to start a convo, how to join a convo or how to keep the convo going (yes I’m a hot mess lol). But this gives me hope and I’m excited to try it out. Thank you so much for sharing ☺

  20. Hmm… What if people are afraid to talk to me for an unknown reason that I can’t figure out. Sure I have few scars on my face from childhood but they’re small scars. Maybe i have a Russian accent? Maybe i am peacfully quiet with a mellow voice? What ever it is it is driving me insane! Even my boss is afraid to yell at me while his yelling at everyone else! I’m not dangerous and I won’t bite yell at me dammit!

  21. While I know there are other people like me out there, the feeling you get when you’re in a bustling room full of talking people, or outside even in the general public is so nerve-wracking, and at the same time, incredibly lonely… I’m really, really hoping that I can help myself with this so I don’t have to feel so ostrcized.

  22. I wish I’d seen this content before, but it was best to understand through try-and-fail to speak to individuals. It’s much more amusing to ask individuals if they know what will there be for supper in the university cafe than seated alone considering what it would be like if I spoke with unknown people. http://www.review here.com

  23. the best thing to ever happen to my small talk skills was going through formal sorority recruitment twice. if talking to upwards of 60 put-together, uniquely skilled and socially adept girls every day for 2 entire weekends can’t stimulate some growth I don’t know what can.

  24. The best advice I’ve heard (read actually): “who cares if the conversation goes poorly? Failure is awesome. Odds are you will NEVER see that person again in your life, and your life is no different now than it was 5 minutes before the conversation.”. I read this article while waiting for my dentist and to tell you the truth, it really helps to just try it out. I wanted to try talking with the only other patient in the lobby but before I could build enough courage to do it, two other patients arrives and made it harder for me to talk to them. After a short while, I noticed that they were all looking at their cellphones and not really talking to anyone (not even the couple that arrived last and they were together). I gave myself a little motivational speech and came to the conclusion that I shouldn’t be afraid to mess up the small talk because there is no way to do it. Either they won’t be interested in talking with you or they will engage in small talking, and the people around you have no interest in listening to you small talk. I say this because I get more anxious as more people are around and it gets really hard for me to talk in these situations.
    So I built up my courage despite having people around and talked to the other patient and it turned out to be great. I felt so much better after talking, i felt lighter like relaxing a muscle after working out for a long time or like dropping a weight off my shoulders and it was all thanks to the advice quoted in the beginning.

    Thank you so much Steve, I really needed to look at this from your perspective and just relax a little when talking to people. I hope people find this helpful

  25. I hate small talk. Small talks are bullshit because the topics are meaningless. I only talk if I HAVE something reasonable to talk about. Otherwise I am not interested in nonsense. I like being direct. I hate when people beat around the bush.

  26. So… there’s this girl at my school – yes, I started with “Girl at my school”, and although I am attracted to her, I don’t think I want to get to know her in a romantic capacity. I would just like to become friends before I’m a senior and she’s graduated. She used to play in the band, and we could talk about stuff. Minor scales, tough pieces, whatever, we could do it. especially since I was the best alto in the state of montana and she was one of the best baris at the time. Then she quit cause the teacher was particularly hard on her because… well, I don’t know why. Anyways. Now, I am too nervous to even talk to her. Small talk seems almost weird to start this long after (it was my freshman year, so two years ago), but I don’t know if there’s much else? I thought about just talking to her about it, but that seems daunting. Moreover… I’m afraid she’s changed. A lot can happen in two years. Finally – does it actually matter if she’s around her friends? Yes, there’s peer pressure, but I mean I’m respected for both my brains and my brawn. So, if her friends are around, then I assume they’ll be chill, though opening with “Hey, so I’ve been thinking about the recent past – mainly last year – and I’ve been regretting some decisions[…] so I wanted to get to know you […] Is that weird or awkward or what?” seems a little… well, awkward to me.

  27. Well to add in my 2 cents. I would have to say that I don’t find this very arogent at all. And I personally suck at communicating at all. I hardly talk to anyone unless I’m forced to. The only reason I’m writing this is because I’m trying what it says and attempt to have conversations. Also I don’t see this as setting rules to small talk, but more of like an outline for people like me that just can’t talk to people or that have to plan out every word in their head before speaking it.

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  29. Pretty good blog post!

    Looks like I am alright at small talk. I just gotta make it a bit more imprecise. I have Asperger’s syndrome, so this can be difficult. But I can do it!

  30. Really great article. I’ve learned to slow the pace down when communicating about things thats not pre tought….so i think before hand what to say, how to word etc, while talking.. Coming accross as thoughtful which make you seem intelligent.. and then picking up the pace when you good for it… this one trick I made me go from complete idiot to “quite charming” …. if thats way I can best possibly explain.

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